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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...... . . . . 'Bastards won't let me fart.'
Can't find the book you are looking for, then you are probably in the...
Carol.
***
Joe went to the doctor about his severe headaches.
After a thorough examination the doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles
to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for He had
no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he
felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some
new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache.'
***
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .. I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?
' 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
***
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane , were sitting down for a break,
in their soon-to-be, new store.
As yet, the
store wasn't ready, with no stock, and only a few shelves set up.
One said to
the other, "I bet any minute now, some idiot tourist, is going
to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.
"No sooner
were the words out of his mouth, when, sure enough, a curious
Japanese tourist, walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese
accent, asked, "What you sell?"
One of the
men replied, sarcastically,"We're selling ass-holes.
"Without
skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,"You doing velly well, only
two left !
Thank you Carol, that one did make me laugh.
***
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one ofthem
new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick
***
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the
hospital when during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!!' screamed the woman, 'That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you
were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles
rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll
be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok.' commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a
nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, but private health cover.'
****
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake -
both are in intensive care...
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know they were
living up there'.
Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television
shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a
ginger haired kid, with two friends?
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front
of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was
caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be
curious about Sex at that age."
"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Yippie!
Saturday night at the Moon On The Square Basildon
"Your round"
Every thought: "It is getting a bit too hot?"
MANKIND NEEDS TO PUT FUN BEHIND AND CONCENTRATE ON THE IMPORTANT THINGS OF LIFE.