Barry Austin is a big fan of the TV 1973 series The Six Million Dollar Man. Barry went to a convention dedicated to the series. He was looking at a photo of his hero and inadvertently said allowed,

“I wish I could be The Six Million Dollar Man.” Barry was a normal man, of average height and weight, but like so many people was dissatisfied with his looks.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and saw a distinguished looking man. The man said,

“I heard you. My name is Professor Franklin Hardy. I was scientific advisor on the show; in fact I can reconstruct anyone.”

Amazed, Barry said, “I’m so pleased to meet you. Can you really do it?”

“Yes I can, but it will take many operations.”

“I volunteer. I want to be transformed.”

“Are you sure?”

After many months of intense surgery Barry spent the rest of his life as a midget.

By Lips Dribbling as interviewed by Nancy Nicecake.

"When did you first meet Ms. Price?"

Our editor Hickey Halibert said, Nancy, that's you, is usually our showbiz reporter, but she has phoned in drunk, so you will have to go and interview Jordan. I did not want to encroach on your range...

"Shut up and get on with it."

I met her in the exclusive Basildon gentleman's club Katts, just behind the Bingo. She had just finished her pole dancing exhibition and was sitting on a long leather couch. I began my interview such: - 

"Ms. Price, I am Lips Dribbling from Basildoneye."

She said, very nice to meet you Lips. I have to be at my book signing in an hour, so..."

I looked her directly in the breasts and thought, 'Fuckin' hell.'

Ms Price you are now a famous personality, for all the fans can you tell them how you made it?

Lips, I think you're very attractive. Come on let me get you a large drink. Take your trousers off. You don't need them with me."

I held out my legs and Kate took off my shoes and trousers. I don't know why I bended so easily. I made to take off my socks and she said,

"No, leave your socks on - I like that." she giggled and took off her short red dress so that she was completely naked. She wasn’t embarrassed about her nakedness. She walked about in her 8" burning heels as if she was alone in her own bedroom. All the girls and bouncers in the club stopped and watched.

A waitress came over with two huge glasses of vodka with ice and a slice and lemonade. Price downed both like a wanton angel. Ordered two more, looked around, then down at me. She cast off the confines of pity and abandoned herself in careless sexual freedom. She started to dance. I sipped my drink testing the volume of vodka in ratio to Lemonade and, not to my surprise the drink was mostly vodka.

“Blimey Kate, you don’t half like your drinks strong. Can you put more lemonade in this?’

She snatched my glass, but instead of adding mixer, she took a huge draft and emptied it in one gulp. Now, I like a drink, but I was shocked at her capacity to swallow such a large amount. She graciously replenished my glass and continued to dance. She bent and to my delighted surprise rubbed my cock as if to replenish that too. She continued to dance. I sat back enjoying the spring tango in butter.

I found myself being attracted to not only Kates' body, but also to her outgoing character. I had not met anyone quite like her. She has a charisma that is hard to fathom. She is so full of confidence, aplomb, boldness and self-possession that not many people attain, which all combine to create a charisma not ordinarily found. Some film stars have great magnetism on screen, but in real life are dull; whereas others glow with appeal all the time, whether on or off the screen. However in my life as a reporter I have not met many people who has this kind of confidence or indeed, presence.

For whatever reason most of us are insecure and all too often display inadequacy in public. Sometimes it shows in our body language or when we fumble to find the right words. Kate is different, she is not plagued by any underlying feelings of doubt or self-loathing.

Kate gyrated around the room. Everyone was spellbound. I was in heaven.

I would have fainted to the floor at the sight of her had I not held on to the sofa. Let a king behold this and his kingdom he would bestow. Had any man before me felt such passion that I now felt for this devil? For only a devil could produce such sexual craving that drove through my body like an Ocean of boiling blood. Hades and its tar pits could not threaten me nor threat of eternal torment

She disappeared for a moment. Then came back with a towel, which she started to drape about herself in the fashion of striptease. To begin she hid her body behind the towel then expose her breasts, then her lovely round arsehole cheeks. It was stimulating. I was on the verge of ejaculation, but I forced myself to pause because I did not want to abruptly end the pleasure. I wanted it to go on and on. It did.

Kate played with me, I with her, she allowed me. I stood and danced. We continued getting boozed unfazed by the attention around us, until finally Kate grabbed my hand and pulled me down on the sofa where we made passionate love until we fell into the deep slumber.

She missed her book signing I believe. I was awoken by a Katts bouncer at 10am the next day. 

The shameful light casts critical shadows down his face. The dominant man behind works his instruments. In the chair his body is covered in a white sheet as if a shroud. His head is pushed forward, then sideways and back. He winces at the sharp snapping sound of steel and thinks of his family and friends now absent. He is asked inane questions. His inquisitor shuffling around him using implements that incise expertly. His eyes desolately gaze at a face he barely recognises such is the contemptuous effigy that his own conceit thought different. “Why did I come here!” his mind cries, “Driven by egotism that has blinded me to think I can succeed!” Then, the electric buzz of apparatus that cuts away that he had once thought his own. What torment of self is this! A woman laughs. A mirror is held and he acquiesces: -

“That will be £6 sir.”

“Thank you barber.”

Frederick Kipper (47) is having sex with a spud.

“I love a sex mash-up.” he said, “I get roasting when my spud peels. She is no boiler either, with her smooth skin and lady lumps in all the right places. Sometimes our bedroom is like a high pressure oven. I rub oil all over my spuds body so that we can smoothly cook together. Afterwards, I drink P and well chipped. We sizzle like scallops in a hot pan.”

“The spark had gone,” said Mavis Kipper (38) “It just wasn’t the same after the batteries ran out. I tried to re-charge the relationship, but it had gone flat. We had some electric times together, but he blew his fuse one to many times. I can’t Dally-Dildo: I must re-wire my life and plant new bulbs.”

Mr. and Mrs Kipper (78 & 87 respectively) have thrown out their Waterbed. In a joint statement they said,

“We harboured in together. Floating in each others sails as we sailed the sexual sea. Erotic islands of lust were our joy, but the bubble has burst. The Waterbed let us down. It punctured our love lives when it burst and sank us both like the Titanic. We are investing in a Vibrating bed on which we can sexual pulsate and quiver. So, here’s to many nights of rock a’ roll!”

Rapist George Clit (48) was in Basildon Magistrate Court today on the charge of raping Mavis Bagwash, who shall not be named for legal reasons.

Judge Merlin Goats (106) woke up and declared Clit guilty. He added,

“The rape of a woman kind, whom how low she may be, cannot be tolerated in a civilized country. That’s why I go to..., harrumph! No laughter in my court. Clit you have been charged with the most egregious crime. What do you have to say for yourself?

“Well my Lord, Mavis used to be my mum and dad’s baby sitter. She used to tell me stories and I grew to love ‘er. Then when I grew up ‘an see her dancing outside the fish and chip shop, well wot wiv all her mini dress on an’ all, I just couldn’t resist, so I gave her one.”

“Gave her one what? Oh, I’m sure you mean a box of toffees or flowers. I see nothing wrong in that Prosecutor?”

“My Lord, in the parlance of, em, of broad language to ‘give her one’ means to have sexual intercourse.”

“Did you have such as my learned friend said Clit?”

“Yus. I gave her one alright.”

“But, melord, without consent.”

“So, the defendant did not consent to giving her one, am I too understand? Well this is most serious. Because the prisons are so ordained with rioters I am reluctant to give a custodial sentence, but the defendant must be compensated for her ordeal. What do you suggest Mr. Clit?”

“Well, this time I promise not to smash her teeth in and rip ‘er clothes off.”

“Very commendable. Is the defence in agreement?”

“No, we are certainly not milord! My client has been raped. The most debase and agonising act that a woman can experience. We demand the accused be imprisoned.”

“Oh very well. Mr. Clit I sentence you to three years imprisonment. Take him away.”

“I’ll get you Mavis!”

“Oh yea. Ever wondered why your losing your hair and so skinny? And those sores on your face didn’t come from Santa.”