MOTHER AND BABY FOUNTAIN THE NEW LOURDES

The percept of Apostle St. Matthew that the use of using holy water to cure the infirm has come at last to Basildon

The Mother and Baby fountain in the town square has the blessing of Maureen O‘ Bunter of St Mathews Church.

The water is now holy and people can come and cure themselves in the blessed aqua.

If you ride a Mobility Scooter, come to the fountain, dive in and thy shall hensforth walk. If you are deaf duck your head under the sanctified H2O and thereafter you will be able to listen to people sitting behind you on the bus. If you are blind sink thou eyes and forever more look in your neighbours kitchen window. If you are dumb welcome to the Basildon Council Chamber.
 

BASILDON GRIEVING AFTER ARMY SHOOTING

 

Top Tory councillor Barack O’ Ball has said the entire town is grieving after a shooting that killed a parrot.

He said he had ordered all flags on mosques to be flown at half hijab.

Meanwhile hundreds of people held a candle-lit vigil at the Moon On The Square for 16 seconds before rushing in at 10am to get their table for the day.

Major Narda (Communist) Hassen, 39, a Wickford-born Muslim and army murderer, opened fire at Eastgate Parrot Shop.

He was due to be deployed soon to Afghanistan, a military liar said.

Family members said Mr Hassan (could be related to Saddam) was strongly opposed to parrots being deployed as suicide shitter.

Councillor O’Ball cautioned against "jumping off your perches" and said the motives for the shooting were being covered up, but it takes time.

“I have long expressed concern over the state of psychiatric condition of Wickford folks.”

Earlier this year, the Parrotagon committed £50m to a study designed to investigate why parrot suicide shitters are rising.

“It is quite possible that if and when Maj (Lenin) Hassan goes on trial and gets found guilty for the shooting, Bird flue medicine will be on trial, too. What we do know is that Sparrows Can’t Sing because I’ve seem the 1963 film of the same name and the valiant men and women who keep birds in cages will be hung from perches.
 

Wickford Man Receives e-mail and tells his mother.

Let’s meet. I know you’re the sexy man for me too meet to much man. If we could we under a tree maybe. Lovely Limey man. I give you all you want. Maybe pictures of me if you go to my special website spunkupmymouth.co.ru. Only for you baby. You send me 600 dollar and me get my rickets done and pay for my brother to have his legs fix. Me take you to alligator park, show some real mouth, you fuck.

BASILDON MAN LOSES MARILYN MONROE LIGHTER.

“Where is my Marilyn Monroe lighter?” pleaded Jonathan Hewer (63)

“I’m a great fan of Miss Monroe and that lighter is dear to my heart. Without it I am lost. It has lit up so many cigarettes for me over the years and I simply cannot return to Swan Vestas,”

“You see, I have so much in common with her. Marilyn was born on June 1st 1926. I was born on June 1st and 19.26 was the time I was born in East Ham hospital. She was a glamour model and I have always loved glamour model magazines. Like Playmate, of which she won her only award. She died August 5th. That was the very day I bought the lighter.”

Our show business reporter Nancy Nicecake asked Hewer how he came by the lighter, was it at a show business auction or on the internet, for surely such a valuable piece of show business memorabilia is irreplaceable in show business circles to which Nancy belongs.

“No on Basildon Market for 60p. It’s got a picture of her on it.”

With that Nancy got out her lighter with Brad Pitt on it and said, “Snap!”

POSTMAN ANGRY ABOUT GETTING NO POST

Mr. Fred Bangers (53) is very angry that no post had arrived for a whole week because of the postal strike.

“I have been waiting for a very important letter from my union. It has not arrived because of the strike. The letter will tell me when the strike is over. I think the public are being held to ransom. I’m sorry, but that is my opinion. The Royal Mail will lose a lot of custom from mail order firms. They will switch to private companies. That is my opinion and I’m entitled to my opinion like everyone else.” said Fred while watching the BBC news.

“The mail is piling up just like the rubbish did when council workers went on strike a few years ago. That’s my opinion anyway. Pensioners are not getting their Giro through, the poor sods. Living in poverty they are after working so hard all their lives. I’m not going to end up like that. When I get back to work I’m going to work double hard and contribute to a safe pension so that I have enough money when I retire so that I don’t end up like them. That’s my view.”

Then Fred sat back and opened his favourite newspaper The Sun and had a nice cup of tea.
 

Have your penis enlarged man gets left by his girl.

 

George Helenberger (43) from Sparrows Hill had an argument with his girlfriend and listened to the spam.

Are you too small? Have your penis enlarged by our famous scientifically proven procedure. I too could not get the girls, I too did not have the manhood we wish for, and I too could not satisfy her. But now with the scientifically proven no pain enlargement elementally nice nurse with stiff uniforms and black stockings I have become a new man!

So George bought a ticket and went to Harley Street W2 and had his enlargement.

Jordan Frank (32) from Long Riding, said,

“I loved George. When he made love to me, I was satisfied. Yes, I did tease him, pretending that I had had better men. But I did not expect him too go that far. It was too long. Too fat and did not fit.”

George is now to be seen in Bas Vegas wearing tight jeans, a cowboy hat and playing a harmonica.

HAS BEEN, NEVER WAS.

Henry Worthington (48) has been exposed as a liar. He never was or has been a pop star. Yet he has been telling people for years that he was.

Henry produced photographs of himself with pop idols such as the group Oasis and The Police saying that he appeared on stage with them albeit as a backup singer. The hit record that he always alluded to in fact was the soul hit by an obscure band called The Tellies back in the 70’s. He said he wrote the song, “I’ve Always Been Away From You” was in fact penned by Miss. Claire Barrows of Maidenhead.

Worthington has been living a lie and gaining drinks from incredulous, yet persuadable people who finally believed. Sensitive souls, too acquiescent and agreeable to con men like him.

How did this story come to light?

Miss Barrows, still writing songs and poems one night in her local hostelry with friends when Worthington, drunk and rather obnoxiously barged into her company and sprouted:-

“I used to be a pop star. Here I can prove it.”

He brought out from his inside jacket pocket the same old, now folded and cracked photographs.

“See this me and Cliff.”

A bight spark said, “Hold on. How come that this is a photo of Cliff in the 1960’s film Espresso Bongo and you’re wearing a Shell Suit? And this one, were you’re with the Adam Faith and you have an I-pod around your neck?”

The judge said,

“Mr. Worthington you are faintest of the highest order. You have robbed good men and women of their fair hard earned money over the years by pretending that you are someone that you are not. The photograph of you with Richard Harris in the film called ‘A Man Called Horse’ with you wearing a Manchester United shirt that that clearly states 2006 European Cup on it is a lie and a phantasmalism. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“Yus, CSI is all based upon my childhood experiences when my dad was Dixon of Dock Green.”


 

WHERE IS IT?

Where is it? I know where it is. It is down there or at the back. Did she take it with her or, no wait, look in the fridge. I looked, no that is silly. So, where is it? Oh, don't worrry, it is my jacket. I'm searching my coat, nothing in that pocket, nothing, oh, couple of buttons, big deal. Put on a sound. Toilet! Pick up everything. Where did I put it? Over there.

No that is my robust. So where did I put you? Behind the curtian, under the bed, outside beyond the front door, in the garden, up the street, I walked down here, in that front garden no, then He walking down the street he is trying to hide it from me. I'll attack him and get it back.

"Hallo sir, you just walking down the street?"

"I think you are just a little bit drunk sir, goodbye."

"So, it is not him, but it is someone, a person who hates me and wants to kill me. I must protect myself. And if I protect myself, I am Human, therefore, I am protecting man, me, and all mankind.

Dad!

A what?

You fell asleep dad, again. Mum and Sue are over there. Oh, dad, Fob, for the car.

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE SAYS GHOST.

 

A local ghost who haunts Eastgate Mall claims it has seen the spirits or souls of dead people shopping in Asdas.

“They walk about as if in a trance,” said the ghost, formally known as Derren Brownbury.

He went on, "They push trolleys with disembodied wheels. Some are noisy spirits that moan about the prices, others are restless and tell their wives to hurry up. Others breathe cold vapour as they pass the refrigerated section. Others seek vengeance as all the goods gradually become Asdas own brand. "

Superstore Supernatural activity is mainly associated with tragic events such as having credit cards cancelled or refused booze because the staff cannot judge the age of a 33 year old. Or because the Change Machine takes 7.9p on every pound. Or because staff put up a big fuss when dodgy goods wish to be refunded. Most staff are raised from the unemployed dead.

BASILDON MAKES BID FOR 2218 OLYMPICS

Emphasizing the town’s warm and friendly atmosphere, vibrant culture, and long-term plans to cultivate Las Vegas as its twin town, the Basildon Olympic Committee formally announced its bid Tuesday day to host the 2218 Summer Games.

Officials say the Games will be broadcast via satellite should Basildon happen to develop a space program by then.

Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in Gloucester Park, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.

"These Olympics will be the greatest the world has ever seen, provided drug taking doesn't render the population incapable," declared committee president Malcolm Bucklehead, standing beside a stack of burning tires believes the Olympic flame may one day be housed.

According to Bucklehead, the town will try to compensate for its huge pot holes and lack of late night public transport, by building a high-speed rail system which, "with a little luck," might someday connect to an Olympic village.

"This is the place where we may be able to possibly erect an aquatics centre," said Bucklehead, gesturing to a partially submerged field piled high with rusted-out cars.

"We're hoping that within a century or two we'll be able to raise enough food to feed enough workers to move enough dirt to make a hole deep enough to contain an Olympic-size pool. We don't have much in the way of potable water, but that hole ought to fill on its own when the next hurricane strikes."

"We want at some point to begin neutering the stray-animal population, so that elite runners from around the world will not have to leap over so many frail and lethargic dogs in order to cross the finish line. And yes, once we can get our hands on enough asphalt, we'll have roads in places where they're absolutely necessary."

"By 2218, we hope that Basildon will be an inspirational place for the world's greatest athletes to compete," said Mavis Bucklehead, president of a sewing group.” And who knows, at that point our great-great-great-grandchildren may have eliminated the near-constant threat of protozoan diarrhoea. We're not going to make any decisions for the next 200 years. I can honestly say the country faces some stiff competition from Grays”

 

KATIE CRATES CRYING

Katie Costa claims she has not shed a single crocodile tear since parting from Paper Adrex
.
The sex model made a personal foray on her strangled voiced husband as she promoted her new virtual reality show What The Slag Did Next.

Castigating her 48 month marriage to the minor minstrel, the 71-year-old said: ‘I do not feel heartache. I just know in my purse I'm a sociopath. And sociopaths have no empathy for others. So, I feel no remorse. I love my horses. One is a Cage Fighter don’t you know? You can’t get more talented than that.’

She went on to say 66-year-old did not appear to be in 'a right state of mind' when I slept next to him with a 14 year old hunk.

Her hard-breasted comments come amid claims she slept with a Brazilian monkey, who is also called Andrex.

Katie is said to have wild sex with Andrex the Monkey in the jungle whilst being filmed by a film crew of 300.

She has been trying to escape paparazzi by walking nude on the beach. Her 'Paper Andrex' tattoo has been covered by growth of armpit hair.

She has a son called Harvey that she calls her ‘Lovely Rabbit’. No one has seen him.

She says he is the baby of Dwight Yucke the Millwall football hooligan, whose claim to fame is that he elbowed the late Larry Grayson in the face.

Katie and Paper had two children together, son Younger Junior, 34 and daughter Paper Towelii, 69.

She not almost pregnant, saying: 'I'm not pregnant. No one is.

'I've done a test in the hotel toilet. They all my new boyfriends were there to prove it. They all came in the toilet with me.

'Paper Andrex is a very sad person. That is the way he is,' she said.

'I've never seen him and he has never seen me with my legs over the back of my head.

‘He is had sex with former Celebrity Big Brother winner Chantelle Hugetights on and off for a whole night.’

Meanwhile, her cage fighter boyfriend has attacked Costa 11 times for looking at other monkeys.

‘He loves me alright. I tell him I love him 60 million times a day. Except at night when we are too busy having wild sex in wild places like a ladies bog cubical.'

LOVE IN THE MORNING

The twin thin white bodies lay snuggled in their narrow beds between cold silver coils.

Then a glow appeared like the first rays of sunrise. A gleaming tinge of first agitation spread across the wan and unsullied surfaces of both.

The entwined spirals of upward heat roused by the intensity of red wreathes snaked the bloodless pastry and colour changed hue into grizzeled brown. The first hoary smoulder  with electric excitement tanning their soft yet fermented skin.

Looping ardour inspirited and with violent heat the thin bodies suddenly from their narrow and temporary abodes popped out.

Toast?

LOCAL POP STAR FALLS OFF STAGE


 

Peter Andrex (35) fell off the stage while performing his latest song: - “Mounting Jorgen”

Peter was married to model legend and old slag Jorgen aka Mavis Higgins (54). They were the perfect couple, they said. And all the pop kids believed them. Some tried to imitate their idols by implanting jelly into their low hung breasts and having their upper lip removed.

Video cameras followed Peter and Mavis around for two years recording everything they did. If the couple had sex on the toilet the cameras were there to record the brown coalescence.

Peter never liked Mavis getting pissed and cavorting with sex mad minor celebrates at show biz events like “Get My Tits Outta My Bra”; “Stringfellows Is My Spiritual Home.” and “My Son’s Brain is Slow I Wonder Who He Gets it From”

As Peter came down the stairs at the ‘Wet Shirt T Shirt with Shirt over Wetness So Nipples Can Been Seen’ festival, he put his ankle around his neck and darted forward like a cat booted up the arse. His arms revolved like two propeller blades, his face turn into a mask of vomit, and his legs went into overdrive. At the point of falling he recovered his composure enough to leap forward and head butt a bouncer, who taking umbrage smashed Peter in the face.

Peter, with blood pouring from his nose looked at the cameraman and said,

“Did you get that?”
 

BASILDON ANTS GET OWN TUBE LINE

 

Local ants were waving their antennae with the news that at last the construction of their own tube line was finished.

Leading ant Malcombe Diminute (193) said in a squeaky voice,

“Our community is delighted with the news. Now we can travel without fear of being trodden on. Why just to go out for a loaf of leaf our lives were at risk. Groups of boys will no longer be able to stamp out whole villages. Some ants are worried that we will be compressed together too much, but that is far better than being crushed together. I remind these few worriers that we will not have rush hours, because we work all the time and sleep while working. So let us all rejoice and dig away the ground under the very feet of humans so it may collapse and bury the bastards forever.”

Tube stations are named in keeping with ant culture, such as: - Antminster; Tottenant Court Road; and Warren Street.
 

CELIBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH A JEW

The sun shines and no one is thinking about Christmas. Expect Bill and Mavis Windsor, who are the ‘Put up Jews at Xmas’ committee. They insist that lights are a bore and everyone needs a change.

“We are not extremists,” persists Mavis, “But we are Christians and the right way to celebrate Christmas is to hang up Jews instead of little innocent fairy lights. After all they hung up Jesus at Christmas.”

“Yes, that is right,” reiterates Bill, “Hang up the big nosed, money grabbing, children eating, pig hating, humour loving Jews.”

“We could hang them up in chains all around the market; dangle some from the Bell Tower and then all have a nice cup of tea.” said Mavis.

Bill demanded more: -

“They would be alive of course. We don’t want to hurt anyone. After all we are not Jews. We should make some slaves though, just for Christmas, make them fetch and carry, do our shopping and cook the dinner and so forth. Until they learn their lesson. If they don’t, then kill them.”

“They could also be used as children’s rides and stalls.”

If you wish to get involved send your Jew to Mavis and Bill, Old Royal Road, Basildon. SS14 UT0
 
 

BASILDON ACTOR MEETS CRIMINAL HARD MEN AND GETS BEAT UP

Danny Davis (42) plays hard men in British gangster films and now seeks out hard men on his TV programme "I'm Well In Wiv 'Em"

From his hospital bed Danny mumbled, "Ohh, fucking hell, my jaw is broken."

Danny's mother Mavis Davis (78) said,

"Danny's father Dick, used to beat up Danny. I did everything I could, but I couldn't get a punch in. We hated the little snob.

He could have had a good job down the docks wif his dad, but oh no, 'e wanted to be all flash and go to acting school.

'His uncle Jonas Chainwheel offered 'im a job arm wrestling old lags. But Danny refused saying 'e wanted to be wif the Old Vic, whoever 'e is.'

Davis went on to have a somewhat acting career, first getting parts as a football hooligan in "West Ham Hammerer" and "Millwall Monsters", then, in that well known horror flick "Don't Walk Around The Hunted House Alone Lucy" where he played the part of a hammy actor.

In recent years Danny sought a career in Tdocumentaries like "I Hang Around With Bouncers" and his latest "Criminals Like Actors"

Well, last Tuesday he discovered another world, full of stars, when Henry Clawhammer and Bert Nailbender (a pair of well known East End homosexulists) bashed Davis with horseshoes and an iron bucket.

Danny is reported to have said, "I thought they were my friends. But interviewing criminal psychopaths is not a good move. They just hit me for no reason."

His agent said that when Danny comes out of hospital he will look for work on Blue Peter.

MY SISTERS ARE SLAGS!

 

The has-Been all sister group The Noones did not invite their eldest sister Mavis (73) to join their come back tour. And Mavis is mad.

“They are a bunch of old tarts and that is all I have to say.”

After several bottles of scrumpy, she went on to describe the punch-ups, jealousies, sex abuse and feuding behind the wholesome smiles.

Mavis said that she battled cancer, had her husband leave her and committed suicide twice.

Her slide from show biz, one day singing with Spit the Dog, the next unable to secure a toilet seat in a seedy Basildon hotel, had left her homeless and reduced to an old crone. She had cosmetic enhancement on her gums.

“My sister Vera rang me and said The Noones were going back on the road.

“Fantastic!” I said, then the crocodile dropped into the pan with a big splash.

I was not wanted.

Her sisters explained that Mavis was welcome to join them, but the amputation of her legs two years ago made it very difficult to include her in their hit number ‘I‘m in the Mood for Irish Jigging‘
 
 

.part2

***

As the sun gives singing birth to trees and flowers aback the arched hills and daylight animals harmlessly awake below the mountainous white clouds and Bees pollinate another day and the breeze shifts the flowing grass as a hand flows over silk on a nyphs body we hear the trembling music of a call...

"Horace! Get up! Mend that fence, drive that tractor, repair the barn, clean my boots, get the coal in, milk the cows and after breakfast build a castle on far field."

Horace wipes his morning eyes of sleep and lifts his skinny legs off the single straw bed, pulls up his muddled cord trousers, pulls on his shirt and without an ounce of water upon his face stumbles into the cobblestone yard.

Morning summer shadows lye lazily across the farm house roof like a pleasant black blanket on truth.

He stretches his wide tired arms and lifts himself lazily into the tractor. It sparks into rumbling movement and rolls out of the cobwebbed yard, through the tired gate and onto a fallow field, lowers the ploughs and begins another day of relentless monotony.

BASILDON MAN KILLED BY BUTCHERS

 

Mrs Mavis Millington (46) broke into tears as she described the men who killed her husband as butchers.

“No other word can describe these murderers. They acted like exterminators, but really they were nothing more than butchers. Butchers who were

executioners. They were not gunmen because they never used guns, but they were assassins, yet that is not the word to describe them. there is only

one word - butchers.

“My husband was brave. He laughed in the face of their threats to butcher him. He refused to be intimidated and insisted on leading the normal life of

a Mincemeat Machine Inspector."

MIRTHYDALE

The everyday story of farming folk

The sun arises and all the birds chatter. The sheep gather in the warm morning air and smell the arrival of a newborn. The fresh leaves on the trees dance merrily on the soft morning breeze above the trunk on which are carved the initials of lovers that had come this way summers before. The nights rain on the barn roof evaporates into the heavenly clouds like candy floss lost from a child's innocent hand. Over in the far field we see a scarecrow waving gently to crows now sated in the high sky. A lark sings merrily from atop an aged Oak. All is awaking to a new day in Mirthydale.

Hanna Spillage is cooking breakfast at the old iron stove. She sings an old country song:-

"Ah me banglwursalls are swinging in-between the boggles. An' me fannylaps are all aglow. Eggs from the duckies cascade in my pan, an' these tow at my nipplenips, high on Toadmucky Road. I grab a mincebower with three hands..."

Her husband Melvin bundles down the crooked stairs and says, "Ye seen me Cockgrabbers?"

"Ay their in the dark arch along with ye Munchblowers."

Without a word the farm door suddenly bangs open and Pisswake, the farm labourer runs in and shouts - "They be on fire!"

"What be?" says Hanna drawing on a huge self grown Moorhen fag.

"The sheep!"

Next week: "Who Shit a large brown turd in my slippers."

VANGE MAN SAD OVER FRIEND WITH CANCER

Bob Smith (47) Clay Hill Road, fell into a depression when heard that an acquaintance of his, Fred Bellingham, had cancer.

'How can this be happing to me?' he said last Tuesday, 'Haven't I got enough troubles?'

Smith, has known Bellingham, off and on, for several months.

He said, 'Having a friend with cancer is a pain. People ask me how I am coping, I say that I'm scared and very angry. But they don't understand. I have made the decision to keep on living.'

He fell into a chair but manage to carry on speaking of his ordeal,

'Last Tuesday night I knew that Fred was getting a bone-marrow biopsy. Instead of going to my darts club, I stayed at home alone. I was in no state to cook, so I ordered a curry.'

Smith said that Bellingham's family has made life more difficult.

'I'm going through an emotional time, so meeting them at the hospital was very difficult for me. It was hard talking to Fred's girlfriend, but I forced myself to cheer up and take her out for a drink and sleep with her.'

'Is God punishing me?'

TWO men have appeared in court charged with conspiracy to burgle socks.

David Punch, 24, of Long Riding, Basildon, and a 17-year-old, who cannot be named because he is Polish and no one can spell his name, both admitted at Basildon magistrates court going equipped for theft.

Julie Law, prosecuting, said police stopped the pair who were riding bicycles in Westgate at 8.50pm on April 21.

She said: “Officers saw they had no wheels on their bikes and were concerned for their safety. When they approached them, Punch was seen to discard a pair of dead socks from his sleeve. He said he was going to bury them.”

The pair were searched and police found another pair of socks.

They were arrested and officers searched Punchs’ home where they found a blue pair of socks, reported stolen by Mark Brown.

Miss Facebrush added: "Punch laughed and said if he was out to steal something he would not need socks, would he?"

"He said he bought the socks from a friend the week before but would not say who."

The case was adjourned for a pre-sentence reports and the pair were released on unconditional bail.

Later both were given six-month community rehabilitation to mend socks and ordered to pay £40 worth of socks as court costs on Tuesday.

 

Basildon's Bell Tower has Been rejected by Osmar Bin Laden as a possible terrorist target.
 

"It is just not important enough." he said in an interview with Gateway FM. "It is okay I guess but it is too low for a jet liner, and who would care anyway."

KINKY KILT CAUGHT

 

CAR BAN IN BASILDON

Cars are to be banned in Basildon.

As part of Basildon's Global Warming effort and to reduce its Carbon Footprint Basildon Council has decided to ban cars.

A council spokesperson also said there were far fewer fatalities on the road with horse drawn transport, therefore by the prohibition of cars and the introduction of horses we will not only save the environment but also save life with regard to road accidents.

'We have already appointed a Manure Manager who will oversee all horse manure droppings. We have a small army of ASBO youth trained with shovels. Horse riding lessons are free at Sadlers Farm. Anyone found Yippy Hi Hoeing and galloping through the town will be fined £50. £30 for a trot.'

Water troughs will be placed outside all public houses in the district. A strict NO BATHING notice will be enforced.

HUGE RISE FOR CHIEF

Basildon Council’s chief executive Balihi Mangle's earnings shot up 20 per cent last year, rising from £138,000,000 to £140,000,000,0000,0000.

Mr Mangles’ salary in 2006/7 - which includes 120” Plasma HD television, a black servant named Wonga, and five wives, plus expenses for a Batmobile, and allowances for his tribe in Uganda.

It was also just £10,000,000 short of the Billion paid in the same period to Kate Cashbite, chief executive of Essex Mile High Club- whose annual budget of £202billion is almost 60 times Basildon's £51.43p.

Mr Mangle’s earnings also outstrip those of Mavis Vegas, lap dancer at Katz Gentleman‘s Club, who earns only £20 per private lap dance.

His right-hand people, DJ’s Nicey Smash and Janice Shag, were paid £121 and £118 respectively, for playing records at top night club Basilsphere.

Tory leader Malhoon Bucklehead, said his bonuses were going to PJ Proby (Peel My Pants) when the star appears at the Towngate Theatre soon.

‘I’m a big fan of PJ’ said Bucklehead. ‘He can have my money anytime, especially if his pants peel off.‘

He went on to say, ‘If Mr Mangle’s fee’s were overboard, I would remove him. But they are abroad, which is an entirely different kettle of steam.‘

Lord Handingdosh, county council leader, said: "I have set Joanna Lumley a target of 200 sexual intercourses with me, if she achieves this, she will get more money."

BERT BUNKUM THE ‘32ND’ BEATLE DIES
He managed Apples, and sang "Yellow Submarine" in pubs and affectionately referred to himself as the "real thirty-second Beatle". Few people had such knowledge of the world's most famous band as Burt Bunkum, who died yesterday in an Asda’s trolley crash in Basildon, after a long metal illness.

Bunkum (66) was joined in his final moments by his long-standing drinking buddy Sean O’ Boozel, who staggered from the Beer shelves to be at the scene of Bunkum’s death.

O’Boozel said, "Burt was as good as the Beatle’s any day. He could have Been their number one fan, but he kept forgetting their name’s. He got into fights insisting that John Lennon was Jack Lemmon the actor. Once he nearly strangled a man because he said Burt never looked anything like Gringo Starr. Such was his devotion to John Lennon in particular, he sent off for a Japanese bride so that he would have a Yoko Ono type wife. Unfortunately, they soon split up because he couldn‘t understand a word she said. Burt’s favourite Beatle’s song was ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’.
 

BATS SEE DARK AT THE END OF TUNNEL

 

Many people who have experienced near death have reported seeing a light at the end of a tunnel. Bats see a dark.

Scientists have revealed that Bats who have a near death experience see a tunnel, but with dark at the end.

Professor Erick Hans-Boogleski, of Prague University, said,

‘Zis is a very extraordinary phenominkion. Ve placed Nano-wires into zer blood vessels of der bats and battered zem so dat zay ver near death and ve recorded vat zer bats saw. A very simlicnor vision zat humink beings see ven near death, but instead of seeing der bright light at zer end of a tunnel, zer bats see a bright dark.

‘Some humink beings have reported seeing a humink shaped form in zer light zat zay believe to be Jesus der Christ, but zero bat’s see an entirely different form. It haz Been compared to that seen in the searchlight beam over Gotham City.'

DIFFERENT KINDS OF STERADENT PUZZLES SHOPPER

Mr Arthur Honk said that he is extremely annoyed at the different kinds of Steradent for sale.

'I just wanted some product to clean my false teeth with. After years of putting them in with my washing I thought I'd go up market, but the different kinds of Steradent confused me and I could make up my mind which type to buy. Should I buy the blue one or the green one, but what if the red one was better? Should I buy the one priced £1.36p or the one priced 77p? I asked staff if I could test the several types out, but they refused to loan me a cup. You see, I keep my teeth in a metal mug, except when I use it for tea, but the staff said I would have to buy a mug. Now I don't want to seem like a miser, but two mugs is a bit extravagant. Think of all that extra washing up. No, I'm not going to be conned. My false teeth are dark brown because of all the roll ups I smoke, and Asda's biological washing power doesn't get out all the stains. I brush my few real teeth with washing power, I really have to brush hard. Anyway in the end I shopped lifted half dozen tubes of Steradent, so that will show them to try and trick an old solider.'

With that Honk broke in to laugher, which turned into a fit of coughing he could not control and collapsed dead. 

Now here we are ladies and gentlemen on the high top of Laindon Hill. I am with Angola Smithy MP, who is with us today to talk about her Zoo, which is below us in Nappy Valley.

Angola, if I may start by asking, are all the animals down there safe?

Well no Freddy, some are wild, some live during the day and some come out at night, but we are getting all to stay in at night. That is called good governance.

So what do you call that one, that one there?

Oh, that is my dearest animal of all. She is called, 'Zimmerframus Mummbles' They are the best to control. I just adore them, don't you Fred?

Well, yes I do Angela. And that one?

Oh, I'm so glad you picked that one out. He is called, 'Eatus shitus et Asdaus' This animal shops at Asdas and asks no questions at all about products over time becoming all Asda products. No, he will buy anything that is put on his plate.

Oh Angolie, if I might call you that now we are, because you know I will only ask insipid questions. That one?

That is one of our newest animals. See the way it doesn't use it's mind - 'Moonus Drinkerous'.

And that one, that one over there with it's snout in the trough?

That's me. I think you are looking in my makeup mirror while I'm putting on my face.

Oh  yes, but no - that one over in the very far corner of your Zoo. That one who looks upset.

Can we move on.

No Angolie, that animal who is sharply looking at you.

Well, okay, if I must. That one is a pain. Not under control like the rest. A wild animal of which will shall be rid of soon.

Tranquilizer?

Oh no, it is much too early for me.

Do you purr?

Yes.

And what is your favourite coloured animal.

That Brown one there.

I GOT OUT OF MY SITUATION BY MOVING TO BASILDON SAYS WORMHOLE BLAST.

Wormhole Blast is just 18, he was into heavy drugs and loose women until he moved to Basildon. Now he is a reformed character and a guy with a past, a past that is behind him.

Basildoneye reporter on human things, Nancy Nicecake, interviewed Blast.

What happened?

'I was an L-Shaped room kid, brought up in a B-movie life with no A-levels and a D notice stuck on my forehead, yes, you could say I was alphabetized. I had to get to somewhere to change my life. Basildon was that place. Now I'm here, I feel stronger, happier and wiser.'

So you had a very, very hard upbringing?

'No?'

Yet the place that you came from was much worse than Basildon?

'It was. I came from Greys.'

How sickening. Greys people are known for being sickening.

'Yes, as you come towards Greys a headache attaches itself, then a dark night of the soul, by the time you get to the town centre you want to shoot yourself. Most hang themselves on trees. Those you don't become zombies. Have seen the town centre, a wasteland, a land of creatures never talking, non-living in a perpetual twilight of the Sun newspaper and New Labour. So, you see, I had to run, run far away. That is why I am here in Basildon. The town of light.'

I think I'm going to be sick.

BASILDON MAN STOPS TRAFFIC

You are driving in your car and come to road works. You stop.

Spare a moment for Tommy Pie, a boy who can stop traffic, he went haywire.

Our top reporter Lips Dribbling interviewed Pie:-

At the moment you got the stop sign, what happened?

'You Know my Nan died'

Lips slaps Tommy and says, 'Get on with it you cretin.'

'When they put the stop sign in my hands I stopped a car. Then I turned around the sign and the car went. So Stop and Go. I let through a few cars, then I thought I'll have a bit of fun. So I stopped all cars coming from the south east. The North east were happy because I let them through, but the south east started to get upset, so I gave them a two fingered salute and you know what happened? They stuffed the stop sign in my mouth.

I now hire out my mouth as a garage.'

ACTOR ROY SNIDE DIES AT HEART STOPPING SHOWBIZ EVENT

Actor Roy Snide (187) died at big show business event last night, surprising himself and his girlfriend, Sharky Spielberger.

Snide was best known for his role as Sheriff Bogey in the blockbuster movie 'Jaws'. He played a spoilsport cop who chased innocent holiday makers off sunny beaches.

He is known for such memorable lines as, 'Some bad hat Harry'; 'Listen to the man, woulda ya'; and 'You're gonna need a bigger hat.'

Later in his career he starred in the Sci-Fi TV series, 'Seaqueue' about a submarine that queued up behind other ones.

Fellow well known actors queued up to give their respects and get on TV:-

Co-star in 'The French Contraption' Gean Hackrat, with tears flowing down his makeup, said, 'My God! Oh my God! Who?'

Co-star in 'Jaws' Richard Dryface said, 'He was a wonderful man and although I never saw him for thirty years, I can sincerely say - a close friend.'

BASILDON ADOPTS THE KEBAB AS THE TOWNS INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNISED FOOD.

At a lengthy meeting Basildon council adopted the Kebab as the towns internationally recognise food. Amid howls of laughter and derision each group of councillors put forward their choice of food.

Lamb curry was popular, but was finally vetoed because of its connection with explosives. Fish and chips was also mooted, but some Tory councillors said that the salt and vinegar dish was too much associated with the working class and may lower tourist perceptions of the area. Tripe and black pudding was another suggestion, but generally thought a Northern dish not suitable for the refined tastes of the Southern palette. Hotdogs were too American. Beans too loud. Pie and mash, too associated with gravel and stone slabs, especially that served locally. Meat in general was a no-no, as local Supermarket meat tasted like soap. Chinese food was considered but thought by both the Tory and New Labour to be too Socialist.

Finally, when put to the vote what meal was all round good value, filling and Pro-European in its ingredients the majority of councillors settled on Kebab, especially the kind with lots of onions (France), tomatoes (Italy) and lettuce (UK).

With that settled all the chamber took themselves to the Kebab stall in Long Riding and had a good nosh up, after which they gave the Turkish stallholders a sound thrashing for being Turkish and Non-EU.  

 THE ANDREW MARRS SHOW.

'HOME SECRETARY LET ME GET TO THE POINT BEFORE I GET TO ANOTHER POINT WHICH IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE FIRST POINT THAT I AM ABOUT TO MAKE, THEN I WILL GET TO THE VERY IMPORTANT POINT THAT EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR POINT ABOUT MAKING THE POINT FROM AN ANGLE OF POINTS MADE IN THE PAST ABOUT THE POINTS THAT WILL, I'M SURE, BE MADE IN THE FUTURE ABOUT POINTS MADE IN THE VERY NEAR PAST ABOUT YOUR DRESS.

'Yes I'm glad that you brought up that point Andrew. The first thing we don't want is to allow the general public to make a point about anything that is significant to their lives, or for that matter anything I can answer.'

'IS FORTY EIGHT DAYS IMPRISONMENT RIGHT?'

'Yes it is. We are a democracy and that is why we have to fight hard to keep our freedom. So, locking up people for 48 days without charge is part of that freedom. We have to keep people locked up so the police have time to think up a story. The police are culled from the working bulling class and we need time for them to think. Indeed, a 48 period is a short enough time to stick charges on anyone. I hope that we will lead people in to a future where people are detained indefinitely without recourse to law. We hope to be able to lock up anyone below our class, even the police.

BUT THE POLICE HAVE RIGHTS?

'No they don't. The police have no rights. They are there to protect the ruling class and beat up any demonstrator that opposes our wish. The police force are made up of non-thinking morons the sole wish of whom is to have a Plasma 48" screen so that they can watch endless hours of The Bill.'

 LET US GET TO THE POINT. ARE YOU SYSTEMATICALLY TAKING AWAY THE DEMOCRATIC FREEDOMS OUR FOREFATHERS FOUGHT SO HEAVILY TO MAINTAIN?

No, we are in a trap. We promise to keep the public safe. That is the governments job. That is why we have to lock up the whole population. To keep them safe.

BUT WHO WILL BE FREE?

Those we choose.

SO DEMOCRACY IS A SHAM?

Yes.

SO ON MY SHOW WE HAVE THE NON POLITICAL VIOLINIST MAVIS BAGWASH TO PLAY US OUT BEFORE ANY SERIOUS QUESTIONS ARE ASKED. MAVIS....

Mavis plays her violin and dancers dance unheeded by thought and morality.

GROUNDSCRAPER PLANNED FOR BASILDON.

An underground low rise three thousand foot 'Groundscraper' is planned for Basildon.

'Skyscrapers are too easy a target for terrorists,' said top council leader Malhoon Bucklehead, 'The one thousand foot skyscraper that will be built at Ground Zero in New York called the Freedom Tower will be a target. We are not going to fall into that hole. So, in order to protect the people of Basildon we will dig a groundscraper. Let the terrorists try to fly a plane into that.

After the construction we will sell it off at a low price to an Arab property developer who has promised not to transform it into a nuclear factory.'

The groundscraper will be called The Bell Tunnel in memory of the tragic event of 9/13 when over 300 people lost their hearing in bell related crime.