The
percept
of
Apostle
St.
Matthew
that the
use of
using
holy
water to
cure the
infirm
has come
at last
to
Basildon
The
Mother
and Baby
fountain
in the
town
square
has the
blessing
of
Maureen
O‘
Bunter
of St
Mathews
Church.
The
water is
now holy
and
people
can come
and cure
themselves
in the
blessed
aqua.
If you
ride a
Mobility
Scooter,
come to
the
fountain,
dive in
and thy
shall
hensforth
walk. If
you are
deaf
duck
your
head
under
the
sanctified
H2O and
thereafter
you will
be able
to
listen
to
people
sitting
behind
you on
the bus.
If you
are
blind
sink
thou
eyes and
forever
more
look in
your
neighbours
kitchen
window.
If you
are dumb
welcome
to the
Basildon
Council
Chamber.
BASILDON
GRIEVING
AFTER
ARMY
SHOOTING
Top
Tory
councillor
Barack
O’ Ball
has said
the
entire
town is
grieving
after a
shooting
that
killed a
parrot.
He said
he had
ordered
all
flags on
mosques
to be
flown at
half
hijab.
Meanwhile
hundreds
of
people
held a
candle-lit
vigil at
the Moon
On The
Square
for 16
seconds
before
rushing
in at
10am to
get
their
table
for the
day.
Major
Narda
(Communist)
Hassen,
39, a
Wickford-born
Muslim
and army
murderer,
opened
fire at
Eastgate
Parrot
Shop.
He was
due to
be
deployed
soon to
Afghanistan,
a
military
liar
said.
Family
members
said Mr
Hassan
(could
be
related
to
Saddam)
was
strongly
opposed
to
parrots
being
deployed
as
suicide
shitter.
Councillor
O’Ball
cautioned
against
"jumping
off your
perches"
and said
the
motives
for the
shooting
were
being
covered
up, but
it takes
time.
“I have
long
expressed
concern
over the
state of
psychiatric
condition
of
Wickford
folks.”
Earlier
this
year,
the
Parrotagon
committed
£50m to
a study
designed
to
investigate
why
parrot
suicide
shitters
are
rising.
“It is
quite
possible
that if
and when
Maj
(Lenin)
Hassan
goes on
trial
and gets
found
guilty
for the
shooting,
Bird
flue
medicine
will be
on
trial,
too.
What we
do know
is that
Sparrows
Can’t
Sing
because
I’ve
seem the
1963
film of
the same
name and
the
valiant
men and
women
who keep
birds in
cages
will be
hung
from
perches.
Wickford
Man
Receives
e-mail
and
tells
his
mother.
Let’s
meet. I
know
you’re
the sexy
man for
me too
meet to
much
man. If
we could
we under
a tree
maybe.
Lovely
Limey
man. I
give you
all you
want.
Maybe
pictures
of me if
you go
to my
special
website
spunkupmymouth.co.ru.
Only for
you
baby.
You send
me 600
dollar
and me
get my
rickets
done and
pay for
my
brother
to have
his legs
fix. Me
take you
to
alligator
park,
show
some
real
mouth,
you
fuck.
BASILDON
MAN
LOSES
MARILYN
MONROE
LIGHTER.
“Where
is my
Marilyn
Monroe
lighter?”
pleaded
Jonathan
Hewer
(63)
“I’m a
great
fan of
Miss
Monroe
and that
lighter
is dear
to my
heart.
Without
it I am
lost. It
has lit
up so
many
cigarettes
for me
over the
years
and I
simply
cannot
return
to Swan
Vestas,”
“You
see, I
have so
much in
common
with
her.
Marilyn
was born
on June
1st
1926. I
was born
on June
1st and
19.26
was the
time I
was born
in East
Ham
hospital.
She was
a
glamour
model
and I
have
always
loved
glamour
model
magazines.
Like
Playmate,
of which
she won
her only
award.
She died
August
5th.
That was
the very
day I
bought
the
lighter.”
Our show
business
reporter
Nancy
Nicecake
asked
Hewer
how he
came by
the
lighter,
was it
at a
show
business
auction
or on
the
internet,
for
surely
such a
valuable
piece of
show
business
memorabilia
is
irreplaceable
in show
business
circles
to which
Nancy
belongs.
“No on
Basildon
Market
for 60p.
It’s got
a
picture
of her
on it.”
With
that
Nancy
got out
her
lighter
with
Brad
Pitt on
it and
said,
“Snap!”
POSTMAN
ANGRY
ABOUT
GETTING
NO POST
Mr.
Fred
Bangers
(53) is
very
angry
that no
post
had
arrived
for a
whole
week
because
of the
postal
strike.
“I have
been
waiting
for a
very
important
letter
from my
union.
It has
not
arrived
because
of the
strike.
The
letter
will
tell me
when the
strike
is over.
I think
the
public
are
being
held to
ransom.
I’m
sorry,
but that
is my
opinion.
The
Royal
Mail
will
lose a
lot of
custom
from
mail
order
firms.
They
will
switch
to
private
companies.
That is
my
opinion
and I’m
entitled
to my
opinion
like
everyone
else.”
said
Fred
while
watching
the BBC
news.
“The
mail is
piling
up just
like the
rubbish
did when
council
workers
went on
strike a
few
years
ago.
That’s
my
opinion
anyway.
Pensioners
are not
getting
their
Giro
through,
the poor
sods.
Living
in
poverty
they are
after
working
so hard
all
their
lives.
I’m not
going to
end up
like
that.
When I
get back
to work
I’m
going to
work
double
hard and
contribute
to a
safe
pension
so that
I have
enough
money
when I
retire
so that
I don’t
end up
like
them.
That’s
my
view.”
Then
Fred sat
back and
opened
his
favourite
newspaper
The Sun
and had
a nice
cup of
tea.
Have
your
penis
enlarged
man gets
left by
his
girl.
George
Helenberger
(43)
from
Sparrows
Hill had
an
argument
with his
girlfriend
and
listened
to the
spam.
Are you
too
small?
Have
your
penis
enlarged
by our
famous
scientifically
proven
procedure.
I too
could
not get
the
girls, I
too did
not have
the
manhood
we wish
for, and
I too
could
not
satisfy
her. But
now with
the
scientifically
proven
no pain
enlargement
elementally
nice
nurse
with
stiff
uniforms
and
black
stockings
I have
become a
new man!
So
George
bought a
ticket
and went
to
Harley
Street
W2 and
had his
enlargement.
Jordan
Frank
(32)
from
Long
Riding,
said,
“I loved
George.
When he
made
love to
me, I
was
satisfied.
Yes, I
did
tease
him,
pretending
that I
had had
better
men. But
I did
not
expect
him too
go that
far. It
was too
long.
Too fat
and did
not
fit.”
George
is now
to be
seen in
Bas
Vegas
wearing
tight
jeans, a
cowboy
hat and
playing
a
harmonica.
HAS
BEEN,
NEVER
WAS.
Henry
Worthington
(48) has
been
exposed
as a
liar. He
never
was or
has been
a pop
star.
Yet he
has been
telling
people
for
years
that he
was.
Henry
produced
photographs
of
himself
with pop
idols
such as
the
group
Oasis
and The
Police
saying
that he
appeared
on stage
with
them
albeit
as a
backup
singer.
The hit
record
that he
always
alluded
to in
fact was
the soul
hit by
an
obscure
band
called
The
Tellies
back in
the
70’s. He
said he
wrote
the
song,
“I’ve
Always
Been
Away
From
You” was
in fact
penned
by Miss.
Claire
Barrows
of
Maidenhead.
Worthington
has been
living a
lie and
gaining
drinks
from
incredulous,
yet
persuadable
people
who
finally
believed.
Sensitive
souls,
too
acquiescent
and
agreeable
to con
men like
him.
How did
this
story
come to
light?
Miss
Barrows,
still
writing
songs
and
poems
one
night in
her
local
hostelry
with
friends
when
Worthington,
drunk
and
rather
obnoxiously
barged
into her
company
and
sprouted:-
“I used
to be a
pop
star.
Here I
can
prove
it.”
He
brought
out from
his
inside
jacket
pocket
the same
old, now
folded
and
cracked
photographs.
“See
this me
and
Cliff.”
A bight
spark
said,
“Hold
on. How
come
that
this is
a photo
of Cliff
in the
1960’s
film
Espresso
Bongo
and
you’re
wearing
a Shell
Suit?
And this
one,
were
you’re
with the
Adam
Faith
and you
have an
I-pod
around
your
neck?”
The
judge
said,
“Mr.
Worthington
you are
faintest
of the
highest
order.
You have
robbed
good men
and
women of
their
fair
hard
earned
money
over the
years by
pretending
that you
are
someone
that you
are not.
The
photograph
of you
with
Richard
Harris
in the
film
called
‘A Man
Called
Horse’
with you
wearing
a
Manchester
United
shirt
that
that
clearly
states
2006
European
Cup on
it is a
lie and
a
phantasmalism.
Do you
have
anything
to say
for
yourself?”
“Yus,
CSI is
all
based
upon my
childhood
experiences
when my
dad was
Dixon of
Dock
Green.”
WHERE IS
IT?
Where is
it? I
know
where it
is. It
is down
there or
at the
back.
Did she
take it
with her
or, no
wait,
look in
the
fridge.
I
looked,
no that
is
silly.
So,
where is
it? Oh,
don't
worrry,
it is my
jacket.
I'm
searching
my coat,
nothing
in that
pocket,
nothing,
oh,
couple
of
buttons,
big
deal.
Put on a
sound.
Toilet!
Pick up
everything.
Where
did I
put it?
Over
there.
No that
is my
robust.
So where
did I
put you?
Behind
the
curtian,
under
the bed,
outside
beyond
the
front
door, in
the
garden,
up the
street,
I walked
down
here, in
that
front
garden
no, then
He
walking
down the
street
he is
trying
to hide
it from
me. I'll
attack
him and
get it
back.
"Hallo
sir, you
just
walking
down the
street?"
"I think
you are
just a
little
bit
drunk
sir,
goodbye."
"So, it
is not
him, but
it is
someone,
a person
who
hates me
and
wants to
kill me.
I must
protect
myself.
And if I
protect
myself,
I am
Human,
therefore,
I am
protecting
man, me,
and all
mankind.
Dad!
A what?
You fell
asleep
dad,
again.
Mum and
Sue are
over
there.
Oh, dad,
Fob, for
the car.
I SEE
DEAD
PEOPLE
SAYS
GHOST.
A
local
ghost
who
haunts
Eastgate
Mall
claims
it has
seen the
spirits
or souls
of dead
people
shopping
in Asdas.
“They
walk
about as
if in a
trance,”
said the
ghost,
formally
known as
Derren
Brownbury.
He went
on,
"They
push
trolleys
with
disembodied
wheels.
Some are
noisy
spirits
that
moan
about
the
prices,
others
are
restless
and tell
their
wives to
hurry
up.
Others
breathe
cold
vapour
as they
pass the
refrigerated
section.
Others
seek
vengeance
as all
the
goods
gradually
become
Asdas
own
brand. "
Superstore
Supernatural
activity
is
mainly
associated
with
tragic
events
such as
having
credit
cards
cancelled
or
refused
booze
because
the
staff
cannot
judge
the age
of a 33
year
old. Or
because
the
Change
Machine
takes
7.9p on
every
pound.
Or
because
staff
put up a
big fuss
when
dodgy
goods
wish to
be
refunded.
Most
staff
are
raised
from the
unemployed
dead.
BASILDON
MAKES
BID FOR
2218
OLYMPICS
Emphasizing
the
town’s
warm and
friendly
atmosphere,
vibrant
culture,
and
long-term
plans to
cultivate
Las
Vegas as
its twin
town,
the
Basildon
Olympic
Committee
formally
announced
its bid
Tuesday
day to
host the
2218
Summer
Games.
Officials
say the
Games
will be
broadcast
via
satellite
should
Basildon
happen
to
develop
a space
program
by then.
Organizers
of the
LXXXI
Olympiad,
which
would be
held in
Gloucester
Park,
said the
event
will
showcase
the many
attractions
that are
sure to
be
conceptualized,
financed,
and
constructed
over the
next 207
years.
"These
Olympics
will be
the
greatest
the
world
has ever
seen,
provided
drug
taking
doesn't
render
the
population
incapable,"
declared
committee
president
Malcolm
Bucklehead,
standing
beside a
stack of
burning
tires
believes
the
Olympic
flame
may one
day be
housed.
According
to
Bucklehead,
the town
will try
to
compensate
for its
huge pot
holes
and lack
of late
night
public
transport,
by
building
a
high-speed
rail
system
which,
"with a
little
luck,"
might
someday
connect
to an
Olympic
village.
"This is
the
place
where we
may be
able to
possibly
erect an
aquatics
centre,"
said
Bucklehead,
gesturing
to a
partially
submerged
field
piled
high
with
rusted-out
cars.
"We're
hoping
that
within a
century
or two
we'll be
able to
raise
enough
food to
feed
enough
workers
to move
enough
dirt to
make a
hole
deep
enough
to
contain
an
Olympic-size
pool. We
don't
have
much in
the way
of
potable
water,
but that
hole
ought to
fill on
its own
when the
next
hurricane
strikes."
"We want
at some
point to
begin
neutering
the
stray-animal
population,
so that
elite
runners
from
around
the
world
will not
have to
leap
over so
many
frail
and
lethargic
dogs in
order to
cross
the
finish
line.
And yes,
once we
can get
our
hands on
enough
asphalt,
we'll
have
roads in
places
where
they're
absolutely
necessary."
"By
2218, we
hope
that
Basildon
will be
an
inspirational
place
for the
world's
greatest
athletes
to
compete,"
said
Mavis
Bucklehead,
president
of a
sewing
group.”
And who
knows,
at that
point
our
great-great-great-grandchildren
may have
eliminated
the
near-constant
threat
of
protozoan
diarrhoea.
We're
not
going to
make any
decisions
for the
next 200
years. I
can
honestly
say the
country
faces
some
stiff
competition
from
Grays”
KATIE
CRATES
CRYING
Katie
Costa
claims
she has
not shed
a single
crocodile
tear
since
parting
from
Paper
Adrex
.
The sex
model
made a
personal
foray on
her
strangled
voiced
husband
as she
promoted
her new
virtual
reality
show
What The
Slag Did
Next.
Castigating
her 48
month
marriage
to the
minor
minstrel,
the
71-year-old
said: ‘I
do not
feel
heartache.
I just
know in
my purse
I'm a
sociopath.
And
sociopaths
have no
empathy
for
others.
So, I
feel no
remorse.
I love
my
horses.
One is a
Cage
Fighter
don’t
you
know?
You
can’t
get more
talented
than
that.’
She went
on to
say
66-year-old
did not
appear
to be in
'a right
state of
mind'
when I
slept
next to
him with
a 14
year old
hunk.
Her
hard-breasted
comments
come
amid
claims
she
slept
with a
Brazilian
monkey,
who is
also
called
Andrex.
Katie is
said to
have
wild sex
with
Andrex
the
Monkey
in the
jungle
whilst
being
filmed
by a
film
crew of
300.
She has
been
trying
to
escape
paparazzi
by
walking
nude on
the
beach.
Her
'Paper
Andrex'
tattoo
has been
covered
by
growth
of
armpit
hair.
She has
a son
called
Harvey
that she
calls
her
‘Lovely
Rabbit’.
No one
has seen
him.
She says
he is
the baby
of
Dwight
Yucke
the
Millwall
football
hooligan,
whose
claim to
fame is
that he
elbowed
the late
Larry
Grayson
in the
face.
Katie
and
Paper
had two
children
together,
son
Younger
Junior,
34 and
daughter
Paper
Towelii,
69.
She not
almost
pregnant,
saying:
'I'm not
pregnant.
No one
is.
'I've
done a
test in
the
hotel
toilet.
They all
my new
boyfriends
were
there to
prove
it. They
all came
in the
toilet
with me.
'Paper
Andrex
is a
very sad
person.
That is
the way
he is,'
she
said.
'I've
never
seen him
and he
has
never
seen me
with my
legs
over the
back of
my head.
‘He is
had sex
with
former
Celebrity
Big
Brother
winner
Chantelle
Hugetights
on and
off for
a whole
night.’
Meanwhile,
her cage
fighter
boyfriend
has
attacked
Costa 11
times
for
looking
at other
monkeys.
‘He
loves me
alright.
I tell
him I
love him
60
million
times a
day.
Except
at night
when we
are too
busy
having
wild sex
in wild
places
like a
ladies
bog
cubical.'
LOVE IN
THE
MORNING
The twin
thin
white
bodies
lay
snuggled
in their
narrow
beds
between
cold
silver
coils.
Then a
glow
appeared
like the
first
rays of
sunrise.
A
gleaming
tinge of
first
agitation
spread
across
the wan
and
unsullied
surfaces
of both.
The
entwined
spirals
of
upward
heat
roused
by the
intensity
of red
wreathes
snaked
the
bloodless
pastry
and
colour
changed
hue into
grizzeled
brown.
The
first
hoary
smoulder
with
electric
excitement
tanning
their
soft yet
fermented
skin.
Looping
ardour
inspirited
and with
violent
heat the
thin
bodies
suddenly
from
their
narrow
and
temporary
abodes
popped
out.
Toast?
LOCAL
POP STAR
FALLS
OFF
STAGE
Peter
Andrex
(35)
fell off
the
stage
while
performing
his
latest
song: -
“Mounting
Jorgen”
Peter
was
married
to model
legend
and old
slag
Jorgen
aka
Mavis
Higgins
(54).
They
were the
perfect
couple,
they
said.
And all
the pop
kids
believed
them.
Some
tried to
imitate
their
idols by
implanting
jelly
into
their
low hung
breasts
and
having
their
upper
lip
removed.
Video
cameras
followed
Peter
and
Mavis
around
for two
years
recording
everything
they
did. If
the
couple
had sex
on the
toilet
the
cameras
were
there to
record
the
brown
coalescence.
Peter
never
liked
Mavis
getting
pissed
and
cavorting
with sex
mad
minor
celebrates
at show
biz
events
like
“Get My
Tits
Outta My
Bra”;
“Stringfellows
Is My
Spiritual
Home.”
and
“My
Son’s
Brain is
Slow I
Wonder
Who He
Gets it
From”
As
Peter
came
down the
stairs
at the
‘Wet
Shirt T
Shirt
with
Shirt
over
Wetness
So
Nipples
Can Been
Seen’
festival,
he put
his
ankle
around
his neck
and
darted
forward
like a
cat
booted
up the
arse.
His arms
revolved
like two
propeller
blades,
his face
turn
into a
mask of
vomit,
and his
legs
went
into
overdrive.
At the
point of
falling
he
recovered
his
composure
enough
to leap
forward
and head
butt a
bouncer,
who
taking
umbrage
smashed
Peter in
the
face.
Peter,
with
blood
pouring
from his
nose
looked
at the
cameraman
and
said,
“Did you
get
that?”
BASILDON
ANTS GET
OWN TUBE
LINE
Local
ants
were
waving
their
antennae
with the
news
that at
last the
construction
of their
own tube
line was
finished.
Leading
ant
Malcombe
Diminute
(193)
said in
a
squeaky
voice,
“Our
community
is
delighted
with the
news.
Now we
can
travel
without
fear of
being
trodden
on. Why
just to
go out
for a
loaf of
leaf our
lives
were at
risk.
Groups
of boys
will no
longer
be able
to stamp
out
whole
villages.
Some
ants are
worried
that we
will be
compressed
together
too
much,
but that
is far
better
than
being
crushed
together.
I remind
these
few
worriers
that we
will not
have
rush
hours,
because
we work
all the
time and
sleep
while
working.
So let
us all
rejoice
and dig
away the
ground
under
the very
feet of
humans
so it
may
collapse
and bury
the
bastards
forever.”
Tube
stations
are
named in
keeping
with ant
culture,
such as:
-
Antminster;
Tottenant
Court
Road;
and
Warren
Street.
CELIBRATE
CHRISTMAS
WITH A
JEW
The sun
shines
and no
one is
thinking
about
Christmas.
Expect
Bill and
Mavis
Windsor,
who are
the ‘Put
up Jews
at Xmas’
committee.
They
insist
that
lights
are a
bore and
everyone
needs a
change.
“We are
not
extremists,”
persists
Mavis,
“But we
are
Christians
and the
right
way to
celebrate
Christmas
is to
hang up
Jews
instead
of
little
innocent
fairy
lights.
After
all they
hung up
Jesus at
Christmas.”
“Yes,
that is
right,”
reiterates
Bill,
“Hang up
the big
nosed,
money
grabbing,
children
eating,
pig
hating,
humour
loving
Jews.”
“We
could
hang
them up
in
chains
all
around
the
market;
dangle
some
from the
Bell
Tower
and then
all have
a nice
cup of
tea.”
said
Mavis.
Bill
demanded
more: -
“They
would be
alive of
course.
We don’t
want to
hurt
anyone.
After
all we
are not
Jews. We
should
make
some
slaves
though,
just for
Christmas,
make
them
fetch
and
carry,
do our
shopping
and cook
the
dinner
and so
forth.
Until
they
learn
their
lesson.
If they
don’t,
then
kill
them.”
“They
could
also be
used as
children’s
rides
and
stalls.”
If you
wish to
get
involved
send
your Jew
to Mavis
and
Bill,
Old
Royal
Road,
Basildon.
SS14 UT0
BASILDON
ACTOR
MEETS
CRIMINAL
HARD MEN
AND GETS
BEAT UP
Danny
Davis
(42)
plays
hard men
in
British
gangster
films
and now
seeks
out hard
men on
his TV
programme
"I'm
Well In Wiv 'Em"
From his
hospital
bed
Danny
mumbled,
"Ohh,
fucking
hell, my
jaw is
broken."
Danny's
mother
Mavis
Davis
(78)
said,
"Danny's
father
Dick,
used to
beat up
Danny. I
did
everything
I could,
but I
couldn't
get a
punch
in. We
hated
the
little
snob.
He could
have had
a good
job down
the
docks
wif his
dad, but
oh no,
'e
wanted
to be
all
flash
and go
to
acting school.
'His
uncle
Jonas
Chainwheel
offered
'im a
job arm
wrestling
old
lags.
But
Danny
refused
saying
'e
wanted
to be
wif the
Old Vic,
whoever
'e is.'
Davis
went on
to have
a
somewhat
acting
career,
first
getting
parts as
a
football
hooligan
in "West
Ham
Hammerer"
and
"Millwall
Monsters",
then, in
that
well
known
horror
flick
"Don't
Walk
Around
The
Hunted
House
Alone
Lucy"
where he
played
the part
of a
hammy
actor.
In
recent
years
Danny
sought a
career
in Tdocumentaries
like "I
Hang
Around
With
Bouncers"
and his
latest
"Criminals
Like
Actors"
Well,
last
Tuesday
he
discovered
another
world,
full of
stars,
when
Henry Clawhammer
and Bert
Nailbender
(a pair
of well
known
East End homosexulists)
bashed
Davis
with
horseshoes
and an
iron
bucket.
Danny is
reported
to have
said, "I
thought
they
were my
friends.
But
interviewing
criminal
psychopaths
is not a
good
move.
They
just hit
me for
no
reason."
His
agent
said
that
when
Danny
comes
out of
hospital
he will
look for
work on
Blue
Peter.
MY
SISTERS
ARE
SLAGS!
The
has-Been
all
sister
group
The Noones
did
not
invite
their
eldest
sister
Mavis
(73) to
join
their
come
back
tour.
And
Mavis is
mad.
“They
are a
bunch of
old
tarts
and that
is all I
have to
say.”
After
several
bottles
of
scrumpy,
she went
on to
describe
the
punch-ups,
jealousies,
sex
abuse
and
feuding
behind
the
wholesome
smiles.
Mavis
said
that she
battled
cancer,
had her
husband
leave
her and
committed
suicide
twice.
Her
slide
from
show
biz, one
day
singing
with
Spit the
Dog, the
next
unable
to
secure a
toilet
seat in
a seedy
Basildon
hotel,
had left
her
homeless
and
reduced
to an
old
crone.
She had
cosmetic
enhancement
on her
gums.
“My
sister
Vera
rang me
and said
The
Noones
were
going
back on
the
road.
“Fantastic!”
I said,
then
the crocodile
dropped
into the
pan with
a big
splash.
I was
not
wanted.
Her
sisters
explained
that
Mavis
was
welcome
to join
them,
but the
amputation
of her
legs two
years
ago made
it very
difficult
to
include
her in their
hit
number
‘I‘m in
the Mood
for
Irish
Jigging‘
.part2
***
As the
sun
gives
singing
birth to
trees
and
flowers
aback
the
arched
hills
and
daylight
animals
harmlessly
awake
below
the
mountainous
white
clouds
and Bees
pollinate
another
day and
the
breeze
shifts
the
flowing
grass as
a hand
flows
over
silk on
a nyphs
body we
hear the
trembling
music of
a
call...
"Horace!
Get up!
Mend
that
fence,
drive
that
tractor,
repair
the
barn,
clean my
boots,
get the
coal in,
milk the
cows and
after
breakfast
build a
castle
on far
field."
Horace
wipes
his
morning
eyes of
sleep
and
lifts
his
skinny
legs off
the
single
straw
bed,
pulls up
his
muddled
cord
trousers,
pulls on
his
shirt
and
without
an ounce
of water
upon his
face
stumbles
into the
cobblestone
yard.
Morning
summer
shadows
lye
lazily
across
the farm
house
roof
like a
pleasant
black
blanket
on
truth.
He
stretches
his wide
tired
arms and
lifts
himself
lazily
into the
tractor.
It
sparks
into
rumbling
movement
and
rolls
out of
the
cobwebbed
yard,
through
the
tired
gate and
onto a
fallow
field,
lowers
the
ploughs
and
begins
another
day of
relentless
monotony.
BASILDON
MAN
KILLED
BY
BUTCHERS
Mrs
Mavis
Millington
(46)
broke
into
tears as
she
described
the men
who
killed
her
husband
as
butchers.
“No
other
word can
describe
these
murderers.
They
acted
like
exterminators,
but
really
they
were
nothing
more
than
butchers.
Butchers
who were
executioners.
They
were not
gunmen
because
they
never
used
guns,
but they
were
assassins,
yet that
is not
the word
to
describe
them.
there is
only
one word
-
butchers.
“My
husband
was
brave.
He
laughed
in the
face of
their
threats
to
butcher
him. He
refused
to be
intimidated
and
insisted
on
leading
the
normal
life of
a
Mincemeat
Machine
Inspector."
MIRTHYDALE
The
everyday
story of
farming
folk
The sun
arises
and all
the
birds
chatter.
The
sheep
gather
in the
warm
morning
air and
smell
the
arrival
of a
newborn.
The
fresh
leaves
on the
trees
dance
merrily
on the
soft
morning
breeze
above
the
trunk on
which
are carved
the
initials
of
lovers
that had
come
this way
summers
before.
The
nights
rain on
the barn
roof
evaporates
into the
heavenly
clouds
like
candy
floss
lost
from a
child's
innocent
hand.
Over in
the far
field we
see a
scarecrow
waving
gently
to crows
now
sated in
the high
sky. A
lark
sings
merrily
from
atop an
aged
Oak. All
is
awaking
to a new
day in
Mirthydale.
Hanna
Spillage is
cooking
breakfast
at the
old iron
stove.
She
sings an
old
country
song:-
"Ah me
banglwursalls
are
swinging
in-between
the
boggles.
An' me
fannylaps
are all
aglow.
Eggs
from the
duckies
cascade
in my
pan, an'
these
tow at
my
nipplenips,
high on
Toadmucky
Road. I
grab a
mincebower
with
three
hands..."
Her
husband
Melvin
bundles
down the
crooked
stairs
and
says,
"Ye seen
me
Cockgrabbers?"
"Ay
their in
the dark
arch
along
with ye
Munchblowers."
Without
a word
the farm
door
suddenly
bangs
open and
Pisswake,
the farm
labourer
runs in
and
shouts -
"They be
on
fire!"
"What
be?"
says
Hanna
drawing
on a
huge
self
grown
Moorhen
fag.
"The
sheep!"
Next
week:
"Who
Shit a
large
brown
turd
in my
slippers."
VANGE
MAN SAD
OVER
FRIEND
WITH
CANCER
Bob
Smith
(47)
Clay
Hill
Road,
fell
into a
depression
when
heard
that an
acquaintance
of his,
Fred
Bellingham,
had
cancer.
'How can
this be
happing
to me?'
he said
last
Tuesday,
'Haven't
I got
enough
troubles?'
Smith, has
known
Bellingham,
off and
on, for
several
months.
He said,
'Having
a friend
with
cancer
is a
pain.
People
ask me
how I am
coping,
I say
that I'm
scared
and very
angry.
But they
don't
understand.
I have
made the
decision
to keep
on
living.'
He fell
into a
chair
but
manage
to carry
on
speaking
of his
ordeal,
'Last
Tuesday
night I
knew
that
Fred was
getting
a
bone-marrow
biopsy.
Instead
of going
to my
darts
club, I
stayed
at home
alone. I
was in
no state
to cook,
so I
ordered
a
curry.'
Smith
said
that
Bellingham's
family
has made
life
more
difficult.
'I'm
going
through
an
emotional
time, so
meeting
them at
the
hospital
was very
difficult
for me.
It was
hard
talking
to
Fred's
girlfriend,
but I
forced
myself
to cheer
up and
take her
out for
a drink
and
sleep
with
her.'
'Is God
punishing
me?'
SOCKS
ARREST
T
WO
men have
appeared
in court
charged
with
conspiracy
to
burgle
socks.
David
Punch,
24, of
Long
Riding,
Basildon,
and a
17-year-old,
who
cannot
be named
because
he is
Polish
and no
one can
spell
his
name,
both
admitted
at
Basildon
magistrates
court going
equipped
for
theft.
Julie
Law,
prosecuting,
said
police
stopped
the pair
who were
riding
bicycles
in
Westgate
at
8.50pm
on April
21.
She
said:
“Officers
saw they
had no
wheels
on their
bikes
and were
concerned
for
their
safety.
When
they
approached
them,
Punch
was seen
to
discard
a pair
of dead
socks
from his
sleeve.
He said
he was
going to
bury
them.”
The pair
were
searched
and
police
found
another
pair of
socks.
They
were
arrested
and
officers
searched
Punchs’
home
where
they
found a
blue
pair of
socks,
reported
stolen
by Mark
Brown.
Miss
Facebrush
added:
"Punch
laughed
and said
if he
was out
to steal
something
he would
not need
socks,
would
he?"
"He said
he
bought
the
socks
from a
friend
the week
before
but
would
not say
who."
The case
was
adjourned
for a
pre-sentence
reports
and the
pair
were
released
on
unconditional
bail.
Later
both
were given
six-month
community
rehabilitation to
mend
socks
and
ordered
to pay
£40
worth of
socks as
court
costs on
Tuesday.
BIN
LARDEN
REJECTS
BELL
TOWER AS
TARGET.
B
asildon's
Bell
Tower
has Been
rejected
by Osmar
Bin
Laden as
a
possible
terrorist
target.
"It is
just not
important
enough."
he said
in an
interview
with
Gateway
FM. "It
is okay
I guess
but it
is too
low for
a jet
liner,
and who
would
care
anyway."
This
news has
stunned
Basildon
Council
who said
it was
an
insult
to all
right
thinking
Christians
in the
area.
'The
Bell
Tower is
our
flagship
building.
That it
is not
good
enough
to be
bombed
by
al-Qaeda
is an
affront
and that
is why
we have
invited
Mr.
Laden to
Basildon
to
reconsider.
We are
prepared
to make
a two
for one
offer
and
include
Brook
House as
well. We
are
determined
not to
go
further
in our
generous
offer because
we will
not be
browbeaten
by an
immigrant
who does
not live
in the
UK and
would
not be
offered
a
council
house
even if
he did.'
Mr.
Henry
Buckhurst
(69)
responded
to the
news:
'What a
liberty!
I think
the Bell
Tower
deserves
to be
blown
up. It
is as
good as
any
other
building
in
Essex.
Who does
the
Fuzzy-Wuzzy
think he
is, one
of us.'
Lizzy
Kack
(32)
said,
'I'm
proud of
Basildon.
If any
town is
worth
attacking
it is
good old
Basildon.
Who is
this
here
bloke
then.
I'd give
him a
piece of
my mind
if I
came
across
him, I
tell
you. I'd
kick him
in the
you know
whats.'
At an
emergency
meeting
the
council
voted to
demolish
both
buildings
and
construct
a five
hundred
story
block,
move in
the most
Basildons
most
important
people
and see
what Bin
Laden
had to
say
then.
KINKY
KILT
CAUGHT
A
Basildon
man was
arrested
on sex
charges
after an
early
morning
escapade
while
wearing
a kilt.
Police
say
Nathan
Blair,
24, of
Long
Riding,
was
wearing
a black
kilt
when he
exposed
himself
to
motorists
in
Southernhay
and had
sex with
a woman
in Asdas
car
Park.
’In 17
years in
this job
I've
seen a
lot of
different
things.
This is
a new
one,’
said
Basildon
police
officer
Sant A.
Claus
Claus
said
Blair
and a
20-year-old
woman
were
arrested
at 3:30
a.m. on
Thursday
14th
Febuary
2008
after
police
found
them
having
sex up
against
an
Asda’s
parking
ticket
machine.
The
couple
first
ignored
orders
to stop
and then
refused
to cover
up.
“Both of
them had
Been
drinking“,
said
P.C.
Claus.
Blair
was
dressed
in a
kilt and
a
sweat-shirt
with a
'For
Sale'
motif
when he
appeared
at
Basildon
Magistrates
Court on
Friday
morning.
He
pleaded
not
guilty
to
charges
of
fornication
in a
public
place
and
indecent
exposure.
Blair's
lawyer,
Tanya
Johnson,
said she
was
still
gathering
information
on the
case.
“We
haven't
seen any
of the
police
reports
yet so
it would
be
premature
for me
to
comment,”
she
said.
The
woman
had not
Been
formally
charged.
Her name
is Tanya
Johnson.
Police
received
two
complaints
about a
man
exposing
himself
in
Southenhay.
One of
the
complaints
involved
a peg
hanging
from
Blairs
penis.
While
investigating
the
incident,
a
policeman
found a
sporran
dangling
off a
set of
traffic
lights.
LAINDON
HILLS
MAN IN
HOME
ACCIDENT
Mr.
Henry
Williams
(37) of
Laindon
Hills
was
working
on his
motorcycle.
He was
in
the
conservatory
and his
wife was
in the
kitchen.
Williams
was
racing
the
engine
on the
motorcycle
when it
accidentally
slipped
into
gear.
Still
holding
onto the
handle
bars,
Willams
was
dragged
through
the
glass
conservatory
doors
and
along
with the
motorcycle
dumped
onto the
floor
inside
the
house.
His
wife,
hearing
the
crash,
ran into
the
dining
room and
found
her
husband
lying on
the
floor,
cut and
bleeding,
the
motorcycle
lying
next to
him, and
the
shattered
conservatory
door.
The wife
ran to
the
phone
and
summoned
the
ambulance.
Because
they
lived
off the
street
up three
fights
of
steps,
the wife
went
down the
several
flights
to the
street
to
escort
the
paramedics
to her
husband.
After
the
ambulance
arrived
and
transported
the man
to the
hospital,
the wife
righted
the
motorcycle
and
pushed
it
outside.
Seeing
that
petrol
was
spilled
on the
floor,
the wife
got some
paper
towels,
blotted
up the
petrol,
and
threw
the
towels
in the
toilet.
The man
was
treated
and
released
to come
home.
Upon
arriving
home, he
looked
at the
shattered
conservatory
door and
the
damage
done to
his
motorcycle.
Williams
became
despondent,
went to
the
bathroom
to have
a dump.
He sat
down on
the
toilet
and
smoked a
cigarette.
After
finishing
the
cigarette,
he
flipped
it
between
his legs
into the
toilet
bowl.
His wife
heard
the loud
explosion
and her
husband
screaming.
She ran
into the
bathroom
and
found
her
husband
lying on
the
floor.
His
trousers
had Been
blown
away and
he was
suffering
burns on
the
buttocks,
the back
of his
legs,
and his
groin.
The wife
again
ran to
the
phone to
call the
ambulance.
The very
same
paramedic
crew was
dispatched
and the
wife met
them at
the
street.
The
paramedics
loaded
the
husband
on to
the
stretcher
and
began
carrying
him to
the
street.
While
they
were
going
down the
stairs
one of
the
paramedics
asked
the wife
how the
husband
had
burned
himself.
She told
them and
the
paramedics
started
laughing
so hard,
one of
them
slipped
and
tipped
the
stretcher,
dumping
the
husband
out. He
fell
down the
remaining
steps
and
broke
his arm
BASILDON
MAN
DISCOVERS
HOW TO
MAKE
MICROWAVE
WORK
WITHOUT
CLOSING
DOOR.
Mr.
David
Harris
(37) had
nothing
to do
last
Tuesday
so he
decided
to work
on his
microwave.
He
discovered
how to
make it
work
without
closing
the
door.
After
cooking
three
frozen
hamburgers,
a
chicken
and a
block of
ice
cream.
His left
hand
went
weak,
then he
slowly
sunk.
The cups
and
plates
nearby
melted
and his
dog
changed
into a
dead
thing.
Three
passers
by felt
their
knees go
wobbly
and a
mince
pie grew
legs,
ran
about
the
garden
and
turned
into a
very
small
sun.
Mr.
Harris
was last
seen
begging
in
Eastgate
with his
legs a
pile of
drool.
BUTT
AGENT
GIVEN
WITH
EVERY
CIGARETTE
PACKET
A
21 year
old
woman
who
dropped
a
cigarette
butt
outside
Basildon
Hospital
was
issued a
£75 fine
by a
council
enforcement
officer
(Butt
Agent)
She is
the
first in
Basildon
to be
charged
with the
offence.
Council
bosses
recently
announced
plans to
issue a
Mini-me
Butt
Agent
with
every
packet
of
cigarettes
sold in
the
district.
The
Mini-me
Butt
agent
will pop
out of
the box
every
time a
cigarette
is lit.
The
smoker
will be
watched
by the
mini-me
during
the
smoke.
At the
moment
the
cigarette
butt is
about to
be
thrown
away it
will
shout
‘STOP!’
Basildon
Council
always
seeks to
buy the
most up
to date
machines
for its
Maintenance
Services.
The
right
tool for
the job
has Been
our
watchword.
That is
why we
insist
on
instruments
at the
cutting
edge of
technology:
white
hot
appliances
that cut
to the
heart of
the
problem;
that
strike
with
surgical
precision
and get
the job
done.
However,
we are
to be
mindful
of the
Council
Tax
payer
and
purchase
only
those
machines
that are
within
the
council
budget.
Basdildon
Service
Machine
Gets
Stuck.
Last
night
a
Basilson
service
vehicle
got
stuck in
concrete.
The
latest
high
technology
was
driven
by Donna
Kebab
(17) on
her
first
job
since
she got
out of a
mental
institution.
17
vehicles
of the
new
machines
has so
far Been
driven
by
Donna.
Each
have
arrived
in the
living
room of
Elise Shitsky
(58) 'I
have
never
seen
nothing
like
it.'
said Shitsky
as she
applied
Preparation
H on her
husbands
piles.
Dudley
Bowlegs
(42) a
slim
challenged
man,
crushed
a work
colleague
to death
last
Tuesday.
Henry R.
Nasal
(35) sat
behind
Bowlegs.
He had
to
squeeze
himself
in to
his
desk,
but
lately
things
had come
to a
crunch.
After
eating
five
Whoppers,
ten
large
Whoppers and fifteen
Extra
Large
Whoppers
downed
by six
Super
Sugar
Syrup
Colas,
Bowlegs
put on
so much
weight
that he
caved in
Nasal's
ribs. A
man who
sat
opposite
Henry
said, 'I
noticed
Nasal's
eye
bulging,
his
tongue
lolling
out and
heard
him
squeaking,
but I
took no
notice.'
Bowlegs
was
arrested
and
charged
with
Negligent
Eating.
Lee
Brask
(41)
took an
aphrodisiac
made
from
Rhino
Horn and
started
ramming
cars.
Recovering
in
Basildon
Hospital
Lee said
through
his
bandages,
'My wife
complained
that I
was not
satisfying
her
sexually,
so I
bought
the most
powerful
aphrodisiac
money
can buy.
After
taking
it,
instead
of
giving
my wife
a good
seeing
to, I
felt
compelled
to ram
cars. I
ran out
into the
street.
First I
attacked
a Mini,
but this
did not
satisfy
by
compulsion,
so I
went for
bigger
game. It
was a Tesco’s
articulated
lorry
that
finally
done me
in. It
was too
much for
my head
to
handle.'
Since, Brask's
wife has
left him
for a
used car
salesman.
Miss
Tina
Beckworth
(24) is
not
happy
with her
job.
Tina,
who has
a degree
in
Mathematics,
is on a
New Task
Force
enterprise
initiated
by the
government.
Minister
for
Works &
Pensions,
Lord
Julius
Rabbit,
third
Earl of Henryshire,
said,
'We have
created
this
project
to bring
employment
to
Non-Masons.
The
lower
orders
must be
cared
for.
Elephant
dung is
one of
the
richest
sources
of fuel
and does
not emit
green-house
gases
that are
having
such a
devastating
effect
on
industrialists.
We wish
the
workings
of
government
to be
transparent.
That is
why we
have
issued
six
million
transparent
bags to
ex-coal
miners,
students
and
women.
It is
vital
that we
increase
the
wealth
of our
country
so that
it can
trickle
down
into the
hands of
the less
fortunate.
Many of
us are
not
happy
with our
jobs.
But we
must
pull in
our
belts
and make
scarifies
for the
good of
all. My
good
lady
wife's
helicopter
will not
be
refurbished
this
year.
Miss Beckworth's
complaints
are a
symptom
of the
selfish
society.
To
combat
that I
have
instructed
the
National
Lottery
to
donate
ninety
million
pounds
to the
National
Heritage
Foundation
for the
upkeep
of Huge
Mansions
in the
Country.’
CAR BAN
IN
BASILDON
Cars
are to
be
banned
in
Basildon.
As part
of
Basildon's
Global
Warming
effort
and to
reduce
its
Carbon
Footprint
Basildon
Council
has
decided
to ban
cars.
A
council
spokesperson
also
said
there
were far
fewer
fatalities
on the
road
with
horse
drawn
transport,
therefore
by the
prohibition
of cars
and the
introduction
of
horses
we will
not only
save the
environment
but also
save
life
with
regard
to road
accidents.
'We have
already
appointed
a Manure
Manager
who will
oversee
all
horse
manure
droppings.
We have
a small
army of
ASBO
youth
trained
with
shovels.
Horse
riding
lessons
are free
at
Sadlers
Farm.
Anyone
found
Yippy Hi
Hoeing
and
galloping
through
the town
will be
fined
£50. £30
for a
trot.'
Water
troughs
will be
placed
outside
all
public
houses
in the
district.
A strict
NO
BATHING
notice
will be
enforced.
HUGE
RISE FOR
CHIEF
Basildon
Council’s
chief
executive
Balihi
Mangle's
earnings
shot
up 20
per cent
last
year,
rising
from
£138,000,000
to
£140,000,000,0000,0000.
Mr
Mangles’
salary
in
2006/7 -
which
includes
120”
Plasma
HD
television,
a black
servant
named
Wonga,
and five
wives,
plus
expenses
for a
Batmobile,
and
allowances
for his
tribe in
Uganda.
It was
also
just
£10,000,000
short of
the
Billion
paid in
the same
period
to Kate
Cashbite,
chief
executive
of Essex
Mile
High
Club-
whose
annual
budget
of
£202billion
is
almost
60 times
Basildon's
£51.43p.
Mr
Mangle’s
earnings
also
outstrip
those of
Mavis
Vegas,
lap
dancer
at Katz
Gentleman‘s
Club,
who
earns
only £20
per
private
lap
dance.
His
right-hand
people,
DJ’s
Nicey
Smash
and
Janice
Shag,
were
paid
£121 and
£118
respectively,
for
playing
records
at top
night
club
Basilsphere.
Tory
leader
Malhoon
Bucklehead,
said his
bonuses
were
going to
PJ Proby
(Peel My
Pants)
when the
star
appears
at the
Towngate
Theatre
soon.
‘I’m a
big fan
of PJ’
said
Bucklehead.
‘He can
have my
money
anytime,
especially
if his
pants
peel
off.‘
He went
on to
say, ‘If
Mr
Mangle’s
fee’s
were
overboard,
I would
remove
him. But
they are
abroad,
which is
an
entirely
different
kettle
of
steam.‘
Lord
Handingdosh,
county
council
leader,
said: "I
have set
Joanna
Lumley a
target
of 200
sexual
intercourses
with me,
if she
achieves
this,
she will
get more
money."
BERT
BUNKUM
THE
‘32ND’
BEATLE
DIES He
managed
Apples,
and sang
"Yellow
Submarine"
in pubs
and
affectionately
referred
to
himself
as the
"real
thirty-second
Beatle".
Few
people
had such
knowledge
of the
world's
most
famous
band as
Burt
Bunkum,
who died
yesterday
in an
Asda’s
trolley
crash in
Basildon,
after a
long
metal
illness.
Bunkum
(66) was
joined
in his
final
moments
by his
long-standing
drinking
buddy
Sean O’
Boozel,
who
staggered
from the
Beer
shelves
to be at
the
scene of
Bunkum’s
death.
O’Boozel
said,
"Burt
was as
good as
the
Beatle’s
any day.
He could
have
Been
their
number
one fan,
but he
kept
forgetting
their
name’s.
He got
into
fights
insisting
that
John
Lennon
was Jack
Lemmon
the
actor.
Once he
nearly
strangled
a man
because
he said
Burt
never
looked
anything
like
Gringo
Starr.
Such was
his
devotion
to John
Lennon
in
particular,
he sent
off for
a
Japanese
bride so
that he
would
have a
Yoko Ono
type
wife.
Unfortunately,
they
soon
split up
because
he
couldn‘t
understand
a word
she
said.
Burt’s
favourite
Beatle’s
song was
‘I Can’t
Get No
Satisfaction’.
BATS SEE
DARK AT
THE END
OF
TUNNEL
Many
people
who have
experienced
near
death
have
reported
seeing a
light at
the end
of a
tunnel.
Bats see
a dark.
Scientists
have
revealed
that
Bats who
have a
near
death
experience
see a
tunnel,
but with
dark at
the end.
Professor
Erick
Hans-Boogleski,
of
Prague
University,
said,
‘Zis is
a very
extraordinary phenominkion.
Ve
placed
Nano-wires
into zer
blood
vessels
of der
bats and
battered
zem so
dat zay
ver near
death
and ve
recorded
vat zer
bats
saw. A
very
simlicnor
vision
zat
humink
beings
see ven
near
death,
but
instead
of
seeing
der
bright
light at
zer end
of a
tunnel,
zer bats
see a
bright
dark.
‘Some
humink
beings
have
reported
seeing a
humink
shaped
form in
zer
light
zat zay
believe
to be
Jesus
der
Christ,
but zero
bat’s
see an
entirely
different
form. It
haz Been
compared
to that
seen in
the
searchlight
beam
over Gotham
City.'
DIFFERENT
KINDS OF
STERADENT
PUZZLES
SHOPPER
Mr
Arthur
Honk
said
that he
is
extremely
annoyed
at the
different
kinds of
Steradent
for
sale.
'I
just
wanted
some
product
to clean
my false
teeth
with.
After
years of
putting
them in
with my
washing
I
thought
I'd go
up
market,
but the
different
kinds of
Steradent
confused
me and I
could
make up
my mind
which
type to
buy.
Should I
buy the
blue one
or the
green
one, but
what if
the red
one was
better?
Should I
buy the
one
priced
£1.36p
or the
one
priced
77p? I
asked
staff if
I could
test the
several
types
out, but
they
refused
to loan
me a
cup. You
see, I
keep my
teeth in
a metal
mug,
except
when I
use it
for tea,
but the
staff
said I
would
have to
buy a
mug. Now
I don't
want to
seem
like a
miser,
but two
mugs is
a bit
extravagant.
Think of
all that
extra
washing
up. No,
I'm not
going to
be
conned.
My false
teeth
are dark
brown
because
of all
the roll
ups I
smoke,
and
Asda's
biological
washing
power
doesn't
get out
all the
stains.
I brush
my few
real
teeth
with
washing
power, I
really
have to
brush
hard.
Anyway
in the
end I
shopped
lifted
half
dozen
tubes of
Steradent,
so that
will
show
them to
try and
trick an
old
solider.'
With
that
Honk
broke in
to
laugher,
which
turned
into a
fit of
coughing
he could
not
control
and
collapsed
dead.
Now here
we are
ladies
and
gentlemen
on the
high top
of
Laindon
Hill.
I am
with
Angola
Smithy
MP, who
is with
us today
to talk
about
her Zoo,
which is
below us
in Nappy
Valley.
Angola,
if I may
start by
asking,
are all
the
animals
down
there
safe?
Well no
Freddy,
some are
wild,
some
live
during
the day
and some
come out
at
night,
but we
are
getting
all to
stay in
at
night.
That is
called
good
governance.
So what
do you
call
that
one,
that one
there?
Oh, that
is my
dearest
animal
of all.
She is
called,
'Zimmerframus
Mummbles'
They are
the best
to
control.
I just
adore
them,
don't
you
Fred?
Well,
yes I do
Angela.
And that
one?
Oh, I'm
so glad
you
picked
that one
out. He
is
called,
'Eatus
shitus
et
Asdaus'
This
animal
shops at
Asdas
and asks
no
questions
at all
about
products
over
time
becoming
all Asda
products.
No, he
will buy
anything
that is
put on
his
plate.
Oh
Angolie,
if I
might
call you
that now
we are,
because
you know
I will
only ask
insipid
questions.
That
one?
That is
one of
our
newest
animals.
See the
way it
doesn't
use it's
mind -
'Moonus
Drinkerous'.
And that
one,
that one
over
there
with
it's
snout in
the
trough?
That's
me. I
think
you are
looking
in my
makeup
mirror
while
I'm
putting
on my
face.
Oh yes,
but no -
that one
over in
the very
far
corner
of your
Zoo.
That one
who
looks
upset.
Can we
move on.
No
Angolie,
that
animal
who is
sharply
looking
at you.
Well,
okay, if
I must.
That one
is a
pain.
Not
under
control
like the
rest. A
wild
animal
of which
will
shall be
rid of
soon.
Tranquilizer?
Oh no,
it is
much too
early
for me.
Do you
purr?
Yes.
And what
is your
favourite
coloured
animal.
That
Brown
one
there.
I GOT
OUT OF
MY
SITUATION
BY
MOVING
TO
BASILDON
SAYS
WORMHOLE
BLAST.
Wormhole
Blast is
just 18,
he was
into
heavy
drugs
and
loose
women
until he
moved to
Basildon.
Now he
is a
reformed
character
and a
guy with
a past,
a past
that is
behind
him.
Basildoneye
reporter
on human
things,
Nancy
Nicecake,
interviewed
Blast.
What
happened?
'I was
an
L-Shaped
room
kid,
brought
up in a
B-movie
life
with no
A-levels
and a D
notice
stuck on
my
forehead,
yes, you
could
say I
was
alphabetized.
I had to
get to
somewhere
to
change
my life.
Basildon
was that
place.
Now I'm
here, I
feel
stronger,
happier
and
wiser.'
So you
had a
very,
very
hard
upbringing?
'No?'
Yet the
place
that you
came
from was
much
worse
than
Basildon?
'It was.
I came
from
Greys.'
How
sickening.
Greys
people
are
known
for
being
sickening.
'Yes, as
you come
towards
Greys a
headache
attaches
itself,
then a
dark
night of
the
soul, by
the time
you get
to the
town
centre
you want
to shoot
yourself.
Most
hang
themselves
on
trees.
Those
you
don't
become
zombies.
Have
seen the
town
centre,
a
wasteland,
a land
of
creatures
never
talking,
non-living
in a
perpetual
twilight
of the
Sun
newspaper
and New
Labour.
So, you
see, I
had to
run, run
far
away.
That is
why I am
here in
Basildon.
The town
of
light.'
I think
I'm
going to
be sick.
BASILDON
MAN
STOPS
TRAFFIC
You are
driving
in your
car and
come to road
works.
You
stop.
Spare
a moment
for
Tommy
Pie, a
boy who
can stop
traffic,
he went
haywire.
Our top
reporter
Lips
Dribbling
interviewed
Pie:-
At the
moment
you got
the stop
sign,
what
happened?
'You
Know my
Nan
died'
Lips
slaps
Tommy
and
says,
'Get on
with it
you
cretin.'
'When
they put
the stop
sign in
my hands
I
stopped
a car.
Then I
turned
around
the sign
and the
car
went. So
Stop and
Go. I
let
through
a few
cars,
then I
thought
I'll
have a
bit of
fun. So
I
stopped
all cars
coming
from the
south
east.
The
North
east were
happy
because
I let
them
through,
but the
south
east
started
to get
upset,
so I
gave
them a
two
fingered
salute and you
know
what
happened?
They
stuffed
the stop
sign in
my
mouth.
I now
hire out
my
mouth as
a garage.'
ACTOR
ROY
SNIDE
DIES AT
HEART
STOPPING
SHOWBIZ
EVENT
Actor
Roy
Snide
(187)
died at
big show
business
event
last
night,
surprising
himself
and his
girlfriend, Sharky
Spielberger.
Snide
was best
known
for his
role as
Sheriff
Bogey in
the
blockbuster
movie
'Jaws'.
He
played a
spoilsport
cop who
chased
innocent
holiday
makers
off
sunny
beaches.
He is
known
for such
memorable
lines
as,
'Some
bad hat
Harry';
'Listen
to the
man, woulda
ya'; and
'You're gonna
need a
bigger
hat.'
Later in
his
career
he
starred
in the
Sci-Fi
TV
series,
'Seaqueue'
about a
submarine
that
queued
up
behind
other
ones.
Fellow
well
known
actors
queued
up to
give
their
respects
and get
on TV:-
Co-star
in 'The
French
Contraption'
Gean
Hackrat,
with
tears
flowing
down his
makeup,
said,
'My God!
Oh my
God!
Who?'
Co-star
in
'Jaws'
Richard
Dryface
said,
'He was
a
wonderful
man and
although
I never
saw him
for
thirty
years, I
can
sincerely
say - a
close
friend.'
BASILDON
ADOPTS
THE
KEBAB AS
THE
TOWNS
INTERNATIONALLY
RECOGNISED
FOOD.
At
a
lengthy
meeting
Basildon
council
adopted
the
Kebab as
the
towns
internationally
recognise
food.
Amid
howls of
laughter
and
derision
each
group of
councillors
put
forward
their
choice
of food.
Lamb
curry
was
popular,
but was
finally
vetoed
because
of its
connection
with
explosives.
Fish and
chips
was also
mooted,
but some
Tory
councillors
said
that the
salt and
vinegar
dish was
too much
associated
with the
working
class
and may
lower
tourist
perceptions
of the
area.
Tripe
and
black
pudding
was
another
suggestion,
but
generally
thought
a
Northern
dish not
suitable
for the
refined
tastes
of the
Southern
palette.
Hotdogs
were too
American.
Beans
too
loud.
Pie and
mash,
too
associated
with
gravel
and
stone
slabs,
especially
that
served
locally.
Meat in
general
was a
no-no,
as local
Supermarket
meat
tasted
like
soap.
Chinese
food was
considered
but
thought
by both
the Tory
and New
Labour
to be
too
Socialist.
Finally,
when put
to the
vote
what
meal was
all
round
good
value,
filling
and
Pro-European
in its
ingredients
the
majority
of
councillors
settled
on
Kebab,
especially
the kind
with
lots of
onions
(France),
tomatoes
(Italy)
and
lettuce
(UK).
With
that
settled
all the
chamber
took
themselves
to the
Kebab
stall in
Long
Riding
and had
a good
nosh up,
after
which
they
gave the
Turkish
stallholders
a sound
thrashing
for
being
Turkish
and Non-EU.
THE
ANDREW
MARRS
SHOW.
'HOME
SECRETARY
LET ME
GET TO
THE
POINT
BEFORE I
GET TO
ANOTHER
POINT
WHICH IS
VERY
IMPORTANT
TO THE
FIRST
POINT
THAT I
AM ABOUT
TO MAKE,
THEN I
WILL GET
TO THE
VERY
IMPORTANT
POINT
THAT
EVERYONE
IN THE
COUNTRY
WANTS TO
HEAR
ABOUT
YOUR
POINT
ABOUT
MAKING
THE
POINT
FROM AN
ANGLE OF
POINTS
MADE IN
THE PAST
ABOUT
THE
POINTS
THAT
WILL,
I'M
SURE, BE
MADE IN
THE
FUTURE
ABOUT
POINTS
MADE IN
THE VERY
NEAR
PAST
ABOUT
YOUR
DRESS.
'Yes I'm
glad
that you
brought
up that
point
Andrew.
The
first
thing we
don't
want is
to allow
the
general
public
to make
a point
about
anything
that is
significant
to their
lives,
or for
that
matter
anything
I can
answer.'
'IS
FORTY
EIGHT
DAYS
IMPRISONMENT
RIGHT?'
'Yes it
is. We
are a
democracy
and that
is why
we have
to fight
hard to
keep our
freedom.
So,
locking
up
people
for 48
days
without
charge
is part
of that
freedom.
We have
to keep
people
locked
up so
the
police
have
time to
think up
a story.
The
police
are
culled
from the
working
bulling
class
and we
need
time for
them to
think.
Indeed,
a 48
period
is a
short
enough
time to
stick
charges
on
anyone.
I hope
that we
will
lead
people
in to a
future
where
people
are
detained
indefinitely
without
recourse
to law.
We hope
to be
able to
lock up
anyone
below
our
class,
even the
police.
BUT THE
POLICE
HAVE
RIGHTS?
'No they
don't.
The
police
have no
rights.
They are
there to
protect
the
ruling
class
and beat
up any
demonstrator
that
opposes
our
wish.
The
police
force
are made
up of
non-thinking
morons
the sole
wish of
whom is
to have
a Plasma
48"
screen
so that
they can
watch
endless
hours of
The
Bill.'
LET US
GET TO
THE
POINT.
ARE YOU
SYSTEMATICALLY
TAKING
AWAY THE
DEMOCRATIC
FREEDOMS
OUR
FOREFATHERS
FOUGHT
SO
HEAVILY
TO
MAINTAIN?
No, we
are in a
trap. We
promise
to keep
the
public
safe.
That is
the
governments
job.
That is
why we
have to
lock up
the
whole
population.
To keep
them
safe.
BUT WHO
WILL BE
FREE?
Those we
choose.
SO
DEMOCRACY
IS A
SHAM?
Yes.
SO ON MY
SHOW WE
HAVE THE
NON
POLITICAL
VIOLINIST
MAVIS
BAGWASH
TO PLAY
US OUT
BEFORE
ANY
SERIOUS
QUESTIONS
ARE
ASKED.
MAVIS....
Mavis
plays
her
violin
and
dancers
dance
unheeded
by
thought
and
morality.
GROUNDSCRAPER
PLANNED
FOR
BASILDON.
An
underground
low rise
three
thousand
foot 'Groundscraper'
is
planned
for
Basildon.
'Skyscrapers
are too
easy a
target
for
terrorists,'
said top
council
leader
Malhoon
Bucklehead,
'The one
thousand
foot
skyscraper
that
will be
built at
Ground
Zero in
New York
called
the
Freedom
Tower
will be
a
target.
We are
not
going to
fall
into
that
hole.
So, in
order to
protect
the
people
of
Basildon
we will
dig a
groundscraper.
Let the
terrorists
try to
fly a
plane
into
that.
After
the
construction
we will
sell it
off at a
low
price to
an Arab
property
developer
who has
promised
not to
transform
it into
a
nuclear
factory.'
The
groundscraper
will be
called
The Bell
Tunnel
in
memory
of the
tragic
event of
9/13
when
over 300
people
lost
their
hearing in
bell related
crime.
e
THE HITLER BAR
A
new sensational nightclub bar hit Basildon last
Tuesday.
The Hitler Bar.
All races and religions are welcome. Jews, Muslims
and East Enders!
The ground floor bar will be decorated in Nazi
flags. Swastika type arm bands will be free to all
patrons who spill the beans before 2am!
At midnight on
Friday a raffle for a long leather overcoat, worth
£350! What a gas!
Upstairs is the Jewish Bar. Here a replica of the
Wailing Wall has Been erected where anyone can sway
back and forth at the wall to the music of The Fagin
Combo. Oh man!
Downstairs is The Crypt Bar where The Father
Christmas Priests Jazz Set will be waiting to hear
confessions to the jazz of Ono Knee.
Speciality drinks include: The Himmler Hit, The
Mengele Martini and The Klaus Kick.
So frog march along to
The Hitler Bar.
The only gratification of inflicting pain for no
reason bar in Basildon.
Except all the others.
MAN
STUNG BY WASP IN BED
Mr.
Hickey Halibert, celebrated editor of Basildoneye
and friend of Sir Mary Dunne, was stung by a Wasp on
Tuesday morning whilst reposing in bed.
‘I was reading the Beano when suddenly I heard
buzzing. At first I thought in was a Bluebottle fly,
but no, it was a Wasp. It buzzed about my head like a
kamikaze, causing me to drop my comic. Waving my
hands about, I felt a tickle on my waist. I looked
down and the Wasp was nestled between the side of my
waist and the bed.
‘Calmly I panicked and the Wasp stung me. Not once,
but twice! I bravely jumped out of
bed and did an African dance. The Wasp was climbing
up my pillow. I rolled up the Radio Times and swiped
the Wasp. After several near hits I was out of breath
and had to sit down. Unfortunately the Wasp had moved
to the chair I sat down on.’
Mr. Halibert was taken to Basildon Hospital where
the Bee was removed from his anus.
MP CARES
An MP has being busy this week
according a local paper. The MP appears in no less
than three stories. Two of which have a photo of the
MP supporting local issues.
Another story: PM Gordon Brown opened
a £60 million heart and lung centre in Basildon.
Many MP's voted to bomb Iraqi.
Hundreds of thousands of innocent people have been
maimed, burned and killed because of an unnecessary
invasion.
The Basildon Progression Centre, in
Witchards, supports people with disabilities.
How can MP's who voted to kill and
maimed so many innocent people support a centres
like this? Because they care.
Such MP's Patronise many societies
and clubs that help people. They care. Yet they
voted for a war that has killed and burned children;
that has left hundreds of women without aid; that
has left thousands homeless; who knows how many
animals killed and wounded, no one counts; left
thousands disabled, including our own servicemen and
brought the country to chaos.
Yes, such MP's care about people. And
if you genuinely care about MP's, vote for them in
the next general election. Because we do not want
MP's who are only minded about their career, only in
Parliament to advance themselves and only seeking a
title like say, a Baroness, and sit forever more in
the House of Lords with all its privileges. No. We
want people who care.
MOTORWAYS SWAPPED.
The A13 and A127 have
Been swapped around. Not every
bit of the two roads, but just those portions to the
north and south of Basildon.
A Basildon council spokesperson said that the move
was authorised by the Tory led council because they
were bored.
The staggering cost of the swap is reported to be in
the millions of pounds. Now when driving along the
A127 suddenly you will be driving along the A13
instead and vice versa.
The move was made unnoticed by Basildon residents
last Tuesday night under the cover of darkness. Five
million Polish workers were drafted in. Half the
workforce picked up the stretch of A13 and carried
up the A127, while the other half carried the A127
down to the A13.
The only way drivers will notice is when they pass
through a hazy cloud and find their cars going
backwards for three miles.
Motorist, Andy Smith (35), said he was late
for work because of the change.
CABBIES PUT OFF BY IN-CAR CCTV
CABBIES
are snubbing the chance to have CCTV fitted in their
vehicles - following a spate of over charging.
Tony Bigotill, the council's deputy leader, believes
the CCTV cameras will put an end to over charging.
He said: "While some drivers do not over charge, we
would urge them to do so.
"This would go some way to improving the life style
of taxi drivers and act as a warning to any punters
who think they can get reasonable cab fares around
Basildon."
Ralph (The Digger) Rich, treasurer of Basildon
Hackney Carriage Association, is in favour of high
over charging.
He said members may soon be able to take even more
advantage of the gullibility of the local public. He
said: "I've got a camera in my cab and I can’t over
charge because the camera might see me.”
"A lot of taxi drivers think the council should pay
them compensation for the loss of earnings. The way
I see it, my cab is like a mobile bank. If bank
can’t swipe money off the public what good is it? It
will sink like Northern Rock. I don't think we can
realistically expect taxi drivers to pay for three
holidays a year in Spain without robbing our
customers."
Mr Bigotil highlighted the interests of drivers as he
voiced his support for a zero-tolerance approach to
customer complains.
He said: "Taxi drivers should be able to go about
their work without the fear of punters getting upset
about high taxi fares.
"We utterly condemn any sort of behaviour that
threatens the enrichment of cab drivers."
Basildon Hire Fares Association has repeated its
message that late-night drunks who don’t realise
they are over charged should not be told.
Dave Uptown, The Chairman of the Private Crooks for
Hire Association, said: "We have to put across that
taxi thugs who abuse and rob the public will not be
prosecuted."
MORE PEOPLE IN BASLDON THIS
SATURDAY THAN LAST SAYS BASILDON MAN.
Robert Fansquash (48) said that there
was more people in Basildon town centre this week
than last week. When asked how he knew, he said, 'I
just know how many people are about. It is a gift.
When I'm at a party, within an hour I know how many
people are there. You know the pop group Take That,
there were five people in in, now there are four. In
Africa there are more people now than six million
years ago. Then there were none because people were
not invented. It is like when I walk in a lift, if I
wait long enough no one is in it except me. When I
sit indoors there is no one there except me.
Sometimes there is, like when I invite the postman
in. He never comes in so I'm on my own. The aliens
come at night, mainly.'
Basildon Broadband Slower
Broadband
speeds in Basildon are much slower than rest of UK,
a study by Computermash magazine has found.
Some 3,000 readers took part in speed tests and 92%
found they routinely got half the speed of
Billericay people.
Regulator Ofcom said it was aware that people in
Basildon thought slower than neighbouring towns and
was investigating the issue.
"This problem has Been building for a while with a
growing gulf between Basildon brains and the rest of
Essex.“ said Paul Allenbury, editor of Computermash.
"The adverts on Basildon internet often have huge
lettering with more pictures", he said.
"Users who have taken the test were surprised to
find that their brains were half the size of
monkeys" he added.
Speed tests found that Basildon brains could
received less than a quarter of their maximum
bandwidth. While Basildon consumers may currently
not notice their sluggish connections, this could
change thinks Mr Allenbury.
"Previously it has not been a massive issue but
recently Basildon residents have been connecting to
people outside the town and have noticed outsiders
can type much faster on MSM.
Speaking for the telecommunications watchdog, a
spokesman said: "Basildon people can only
communicate at a drawl with prolonged vowels. The
only people they can keep up with are those who live
in the backwoods of Kentucky or Cornwall. It's about
the difference between the rate a snail can
communicate.”
The spokesman said Ofcom was working with the net
industry and other organisations such as Which to
investigate the extent of the problem and what can
be done about it.
"Once we have carried out this work we will assess
what options might be available to tackle it," he
said. The results of the investigation would be made
available slowly in the near future on a slow
summers day, said the spokesman.
Research by market analysts Point Topic suggests
that, in many areas of the UK, few people will ever
be able to talk to Basildon people. Only 5% of the
population will be able to. More than half will
never be in touch. Basildon may become a cyber-leper
island.
"We will make sure broadband advertising does not
advertise at speeds that cannot be comprehended," he
said. "They have to make it clear that there is a
best possible speed for some communities rather than
an average speed."
It ruled that broadband providers could use the
words "up to" 8 per minute when describing services
as long as Basildon customers were likely to get
close to those speeds.
A survey last month by consumer group Which found
that Basildon consumers with services promising
speeds of up to 8 words per minute were actually
getting an average speed of 2 words.
There are many variables that determine the speed of
a connection, including how far away from the brain
and fingers the computer is, how many other thoughts
are using the brain at the same time and the quality
of the brain wiring within a head.
Longlegs sentenced over war porn
Actor
Chris Longlegs has Been jailed for 10 months for
downloading videos of children being bombed in
Iraqi.
The Bafta-winning star of comedy drama, ‘Help, Get
Me Out Of The Thick Of It’ wept with laughter as he
was sentenced at Basildon Crown Court.
He was convicted last month on 15,000 charges. Some
of the videos accessed by Longlegs, 58, of Basildon,
Essex, showed the "laughable length" people willing
to condone the killing of children in war and not
prosecuting those responsible.
Longlegs will serve five months in prison, five
months outside prison and another five months
wearing a smock and sitting on a village wall.
Judge Philip Stuntman said he would have to take
home the photographs and examine them in detail over
a long period of surge.
He told Longlegs: "You are clearly prepubescent and
not fully developed in the reality of war. I have no
choice to inflict upon you horrifying sexual abuse
and, I want to make this absolutely clear, you will
be buggered in prison. However, this activity will
take place in the comfort of your own cell."
During his trial Longlegs admitted viewing children
being blown to bits in the Iraqi war, but pleaded
not guilty because he did not want to be labelled a
Warophile
.
Det Pat Farthing said: "The worst video was 15
minutes long and it showed in quite graphic detail
the sadistic brutalisation of an eight-year-old girl
and her family in Baghdad.
He added: "There is no excuse for downloading and
viewing images of children terrorised and killed.
"The video clips found on Longleg’s computer were of
children in real war situations from the Pentagon.
Warophiles viewing images like this creates a demand
which encourages others to want more war.
"It is important for everyone to realise that these
images are real abusive situations involving
American and British troops, so it is alright."
The
actor was cleared of charges of not going to war.
ROBBIE, THE QUEEN AND JESUS AT
BASILDON FESTIVAL THE
Basildon Festival could be transformed
into a global concert held across two millennia
weekends, Basildoneye can reveal. (or speculate or
fabricate)
The only way the Gloucester Park event will pay for
itself is to get top pop acts, royalty and a
celebrity.
Robbie Williams might come, though why he should
bother we don’t know. Her Majesty The Queen could
make an appearance. Well, it is possible. And what
if Jesus manifested himself! That would draw crowds
from as far away as Wickford.
But major concerts are not the way forward. So the
festival will remain a small fair-type event Council
leader Malhoon Bucklehead revealed.
Under
the Freedom of Information act, he was forced to
expose the cost of the annual free festival had
soared from £18 to £20.39p in just three years.
This year the festival also hosted the European
Playing For Matchsticks Championships which boosted
the local economy. £20,000 was taken through dope
and booze sales and this was donated to a drug and
alcohol disabled centre.
Now Mr Bucklehead is dreaming of seeing Robbie
Williams live in Gloucester Park. He said:
"I
have a dream, a dream that little white boys and
little black boys will walk to school hand in hand.
I have a dream, oh yah man!”
Mr Bucklehead went on to say, he was "leaning
towards" the big event.
NO HATS BAN
PROMPTS PUB ATTACK
A local pensioner was attacked in
the Moon on the Square public house on Sunday
29th July. He had Been being questioning the
validity of the wearing hats ban. The reason for the
ban is that a hat can prevent CCTV from identifying
an offender. However such a blanket ban is not only
an affront to civil liberties, it also, by
implication, besmirches the character of every
innocent customer.
Too many civil liberties have Been
eroded this past few years, but such arguments and
opposition are beyond the comprehension of some.
Especially those few Neanderthals who have forgotten
the many brave men who fought for our liberties over
the years and look for any excuse to attack the
weak. With the excuse of protecting the staff from
insult, three of a crowd of five men decided play
vigilantes. All were the ill-mannered, coarse and
contemptible in behaviour.
Two followed the pensioner into the
toilet. One of unwashed appearance, such that he
looked as if just back from an all night hedgehog
baking ritual, and the other so emasculated, he
looked as if he had just had his testicles removed,
allowed no civilized moment before berating and
provoking the old man. They hounded him out of the
toilets into the waiting and premeditated fists of a
gorilla sized individual who without warning, nor
any regard to even pugilistic fair play, smashed his
fist into the unprepared face of the 61 year old
man.
The fallen man had blood spilling
from his cheek.
The concerned bar staff called for an
ambulance. The very bar staff the brave primates
claimed to protect. An ambulance crew arrived and
took the victim to hospital where he refuse
treatment because he felt his wound was unworthy of
attention because it had Been caused in a bar fight.
There were too many warranted cases queuing to be
seen he said. The demasculinised gang were seen
laughing after their unprovoked attack, just as they
do when arranging and provoking fights between
helpless dogs.
The CCTV footage clearly shows the
attackers had no hats on.
CHERRY TREE PICKS BRAINS
By Norman Baron Groupfour.
A
PRIMARY school has Been accused of abusing its
pupils' civil liberties by compiling computer
records of their brain prints without asking for
permission from parents.
Cherry Tree Primary School, in Basildon, recently
introduced a state-of-the-art new brain recognition
system for borrowing childish thoughts.
But a spoilsport parent, who asked to remain
anonymously stupid, complained the school did not
ask parents for their brain prints, before recording
their children's prints.
He claimed this was a blatant case of ageism and feared data on
older brains might not be passed to Government
agencies, such as the police, or even sold to
private companies, likeGroup4 (net income £156
million 2005)
He said: ‘I'm appalled by this and I know a lot
of other parents feel that their brains are being
left out.’
‘Our children's brains are a lot smaller. How do
we know their grey matter won't be passed on and
used by monkeys in later life?
‘I'm afraid the school's using a sledge hammer to
crack a concrete lintel here.’
Head teacher Eli (Egghead) Lynch insisted there
was no way records of the children's brains would be
passed on to anyone outside the school.
She said: ‘We first brought it to the attention
of parents through a secret newsletter back in 1947,
so if parents had any problems or inquiries, I would
have expected them to raise them back then.
"I'm writing to parents now to obscurant the
situation.
"Only one person has complained and we have
already given his child a lobotomy.
"If any parent decides they don't want their
child to be part of a totalitarian system, they
don't have to be. They can leave Britain.”
BASILDON’S
SYNTHETIC LIFE SHOCK
Scientists
created a synthetic life form, cloned it and many
now live in Basildon.
The ‘synthetic
organisms’ can be seen hanging around Basildon Town
Centre.
This organism has a
‘minimal genome brain’ that gets all its information
from The Sun newspaper. It’s intellectual capacity
can be inserted into the shell of a bacterium.
These ‘people’ are
collectively called Mycoplasma genitalium
they have the minimum number of genes required to
replicate. Many can be seen pushing their offspring
about, with a cigarette hanging from their mouths
and subsisting in a controlled environment called
Primark, which company has privatised and patented
these synthetic life forms to become zombie
consumers.
Dr Craig Benter,
the man who led the effort to sequence the human
genome, has Been working for years to create a
man-made organism.
But constructing a
primitive microbe from a kit of genes is a daunting
task.
Dr Benter said, we
eventually found the most primitive life form in
Basildon. From this material we constructed a
synthetic ‘free-living organism that can grow and
replicate wear football shirts and drink larger
until it is sick.’
LONDONER VISITS
BASILDON AND IS SHOCKED BY OLD FASHONED VIEWS.
Eastender
Tony Obigonwobi visited Basildon last Tuesday and
was disappointed.
'A cum farame londin, an' I has never sin noting lik
it. Been an Eastlondinner meself I fort dat it would
be lik my home, but day all de talking funny. Wah,
none of 'em knows anydink about wat life is de like
in Londin is now. Da all dink dat Commercialishal
Road is still full of whaiyties de talkin' about de
Knees Up Mommy Brown. No more whaiyties in dat part
of de town anymore. De Bow Bells 'as ben renamed Bow
Drums. An de Pettycoat lane is now Massive Lane. Wiv
all de stalls owned de by we Yardies. I am meself a
Yardy wiv me brothders and me sistererers all
wearing bling and cavern crutch trousers man.
Wat is de happining in dis town of Basildon? Is like
da all livin' in de past. While I was der doe I put
a Trinidadian penny up an old whaiyty man arseol an'
gave 'im a good knock on de face. Den 'a give a good
love up to some fat mumma wiv de long massive clit.
Den I set ma Pitbull on 'er an' it pulled out an
toof on 'er looppy lip.
Des people round dis place give me de creeps, cause
da all talkin' about de good 'l days in Londin wen
day don't never ben dare for million years. Yush!'
HAPPY WOMAN STEPS IN
DOG PILE.
By Calsberg Clarkenwell.
SALLY
Blackhead (37) told Basildoneye about the dog
excrement that she stepped into while in a happy
mood.
‘I was thinking
about my new boyfriend Ed Boodle at the time. The
sun was out and the flowers were in bloom. Bird song
floated to my tender ears and I thought that today
was the happiest day in my life. I was dressed in my
best mini and on my finger was the engagement ring
Ed had bought me. I looked up into the clear blue
sky. I felt so happy that I started to skip. It was
then my foot stepped into a pile of dog shit. I
slipped and did the splits. My crotch exploded with
pain. Later Ed left me because he thought I was
ridiculing his father who is bandy.
FARMERS WIFE PUT HORSE
EXCREMENT IN HUSBANDS CURRY
By Nancy Nicecake
Disgruntled
wife of local farmer Melvin Spillage fed her
estranged husband a curry containing horse excrement
after their relationship broke down.
Hanna Spillage, 47,
pleaded guilty at Basildon Magistrates Court to
culpable and reckless conduct against husband
Melvin.
During the hearing, defence solicitor Jack Straw
likened the case to ‘an episode of Emmerdale Farm.’
Hanna told the court that on 13 March, after
placing the dinner in front of her husband and
watching him start to eat it, an extraordinary
expression spread across Melvin’s face.
At first she claimed she had laced the dish with
human arse residual but then confessed she had added
horse excrement instead.
The court heard that the couple tilling the
fields together 21 years but in recent years their
relationship "had hit an all time barnstorm’
Mrs Spillage claimed had endured ‘continued
farmyard abuse’ over a period of about five years,
which had taken its toll on her.
She said Mr Spillage had routinely questioned his
wife's Cow milking skills and had started looking
for a needle in a haystack venture without her.
Hanna added: ‘At that time, I believed he had
started an affair with one of the sheep.’
Following her arrest for the incident, Mrs
Spillage was banned from going anywhere near
chickens or the barn in Plotlands.
The couple have now begun throwing pig shit at
each other.
Deferring sentence
until 1 November, the magistrate, Mr. Worzal Gummage
said that he felt it would be wise if Melvin
Spillage went into a sulk and ordered Hanna Spillage
to eat more oats and drink more cider.
Afterwards, Melvin
said, ‘It was the best curry I’ve ever ‘ad.’
SPEED CAMERA
FORTUNE
'The idea that a
speed camera put beside road works at the Fortune of
War roundabout was deliberately stationed to catch
motorists is absurd.' says Roberta Kenny, banker for
the Essex Safety Camera Partnership. 'That we want
to make as much money as possible by tricking
drivers is a lie, put about by thinkers.
The 40mph sign twenty yards before the 20mph sign
has Been a great success. However, the £5,000,000
in speeding fines we have raked in so far is
a consequence of bad driving, not covert manipulation
of cameras and road signs. Drivers who think they
have been duped (Also known as AccidentHeads) can
appeal by completing the fifty eight page forms
necessary or telephoning our premium rate helpline
in China.'
GANGS UP FROM 2 TO
39,000
Gangs have increased
from 2 last year to 600 this year. Boyz ‘N’ the
Hackney type gangs have had an astonishing rise
since they were first discovered in 1958.
Gun and knife
enabled crime in the UK has shot up since the media
decided to focus on it a few weeks ago.
The police record
gangs into different offence categories, e.g. gangs.
If a group of young people are seen hanging about in
the street they are recorded as a ‘gang’. Now,
however any group will be classified as a gang. A
football team, a darts team or a group of pensioners
on a day out to the seaside will henceforth be known
as a football gang, a darts gang and a wrinkly gang.
The latter category are Boys ‘N’ the Bed types. They
are all possible gun or knife criminals. This
carries forward the Bush and Blare pre-emptive
strike strategy.
Is gun and knife
crime increasing?
Long term crime
trends between April 2003 and May 2003 show
consistent levels of gun and knife enabled offending
in London. Monthly fluctuations occur depending on
whether or not the authorities need new powers to
control the population.
What types of crime
involve guns and knives?
It is important to
note that crimes involving guns and knives do not
always result in physical injury; guns and knives
are also used to shoot pheasants and slice them.
The following
tables list the types of gun and knife enabled crime
in order of prevalence.
Gun enabled offence
Percentage
Shoot Iraqis
46
Violence
against demonstrators
30
Blacks on
the dole
20
Jews who
walk backwards
3
Women
thinkers.
2
Knife enabled offence
Percentage
Anyone against the government
29
Pro smoking in pubs
29
Anti speed camera supporters
25
Refuse to use loyalty cards
4
Post school ‘gangs’
4
Employees who argue
4
Gays
3
Bell bottom
trouser wearers
1
Remember the police are not
considered as a gang of gun carriers, because they
represent right minded authority.
NO ENTRANCE
TO BASILDON UNDERGROUND.
The
multi-million pound Basildon underground rail system
has no entrance.
'This
is an astonishing oversight', said New Labour
Councillor Eric Blow (37) 'The ten year underground
building project that was to give local commuters
tube travel from Laindon all the way east to Pitsea,
then north to Burnt Mills, then west to Dodge City
has been left with no way to board the trains. This
also means no exit either. The train drivers can't
get out. They have been driving around in circles
since the project was opened by the Queen in 2003.'
DO YOU KNOW
CRAZY PIZZAMAN
THIS
is the e-fit of a pizza deliveryman who shoved his face
into the gun of a hoodie before giving away a pizza
and a double portion of garlic bread.
The 18-year-old
victim was showing off his new £30 gun when a pizza
deliveryman confronted him by pulling a pizza on
him.
Investigating
officer Det Con Coshi Brown said: ‘This was a
bizarre, yet harrowing attack on this young man. You
don't expect to have a pizza pulled on you when
showing off your gun.’
"The poor gunman
has been traumatised by the ordeal.
"We need to
identify this pizzaman and get him off the streets
as he is a menace and a nuisance to hoodie gunmen
everywhere.
Police
dog-handlers carried out a search of the area in the
immediate aftermath of the event, but nothing was
found except a brown paper bag.
The pizzaman is
described as skinny and spotty wearing dangerous
glasses, in his early teens, between 4ft 5in and 8ft
and 6in tall.
He had a dark
pizza.
FAST FOOD FOR
FIEVES.
A new fast food
restaurant specifically catering to robbers has
opened in Basildon town centre. The initiative is
the brain child of PC Cosh who said if we can get
all the local criminals to use the same restaurant
it will be easier to catch them. Special meals will
be on offer including Big Old Lag with chips, Double
Stretch with chips, and Big Buggery with margarine.
Staff will be on hand to punch you in the face.
TOILETS FLUSH WITH NEW
NAME
The toilets in
Market Square in Basildon have Been renamed. This is
to reflect the unique identity of local folk. Every
town in Essex has its own personality and the
council wanted to show visitors that Basildon
residents too have their own distinctiveness.
HOLES IN TOILETS
MYSETERY
Melvin Splash (47)
leader of Basildon council said
that holes have appeared in public toilets.
'The holes are not
due to wood or metal decay, but seem to have Been
deliberately drilled in the separating cubical
partitions. I have inspected the holes and they all
are of the same diameter, 2". What on earth could be
the possible explanation? The question of voyeurism
is out because the punctures are not at eye level,
and all are in male compartments. I deduced that the
apertures were not for looking through, no, but for
the passing of objects. So, what kind of object
could pass through? An umbrella came to mind, but
that seemed absurd. Then it struck me - bananas!
Obviously school boys have Been passing bananas to
one another. Now that this mystery has Been solved
by me, Melvin Splash your local council leader, you
will deem fit to vote for me again. Remember, I've
got my eye on the ball.'
BASILDON TUBE STRIKE
Thousands
of Basildon Underground staff are to vote on strike
action in a row over not having a Tube.
The union said it
had spent 10 months in 'fruitless attempts' to hold
meaningful negotiations with a non-existent American
management.
Basildon
Underground Tube (BUT) said Basildon should have a
tube station and warned that if a tube line was not
built within ten years they would go on strike.
Talks collapse
in heap.
‘Rather than
balloting for strike action, BUT should be putting
their shovels into the ground and start digging.'
said an American business man.
BUT general
secretary Bob Butt said: ‘We have spent months
trying to get someone to negotiate sensibly with us.
We have now reached the end of the tunnel. We can
avoid industrial action by not taking it. BUT
members are prepared dig a tunnel to the Leisure
Centre to defend the jobs they do not have.’
The last Basildon
Tube-wide strike was in the summer of 1876 when BUT
members lived in hovels, ate cow turds for dinner
and drunk Aristocratic urine. They took industrial
action over stage coaches not coming to Basildon.
The ballot will
end in mid-central 2014 and any strikes could end
halfway at the start of next month.
FLAREON: GOD OF FIRE
ILL
Flareon the God of Fire was taken to Basildon
Hospital last night for emergency treatment.
He was striding through the town centre proclaiming
that he would smite all before him in a furnace of
white hot flame if he were not obeyed.
'Bow before me mortals
or I will cauterise thou very eyes and burn your
bodies in the flames of hell. I will sear the skin
from your bones and cook you upon the volcanic heat
of mine own hearth. Tremble in front of me and feel
the sharp spark of my flaming sward!'
Then he tripped over a buggy and plunged into the
Mother & Baby fountain.
UNLUCKY FAMILY DIE
An unlucky Basildon
family all died yesterday. The Cabbage family were
found in their flat dead. They all had miserable
expressions on their faces. The father was found at
the bottom of the stairs after apparently tripping
over his crutches. The mother lay on the kitchen
floor with a lit electric iron on her face. It seems
she slipped on a five pound note that had fallen out
of her housecoat. The son was sat in front of an
exploded computer monitor. His head was hanging off.
His sister lay in the bath electrocuted. Her hair
drier under the water beside her.
The coroner said it
was an unfortunate case of being unlucky.
HEATHER'S WOODEN
LEG SOLD
A
worm-ridden wooden leg worn by Heather Mills in
‘Breakfast at Macca’s’ has sold for £7.63 at a
London auction.
Gasps and
laughter were heard at Christie's auction house as
bids for the leg exceeded the
expected price of £7.32
The winning sum,
paid by a telephone hoodie, is believed to be a
world record for a wooden leg used in a film flop.
Mill's leg was
designed for one of her best-known roles, as a
sociopath Essex slag Holly Gimp in the 1986 film
adaptation, ‘I’m Long John Silver Get Me Outta
Here.’
Proceeds from the
sale go to the Heather Mill’s Chopped off Limbs Aid
charity, which was set up by Bert Legless.
‘There are tears
in my eyes’ said Mill’s, who was given another onion
by her best friend Victoria Beckham.
‘I am absolutely
dumbfounded to believe that a piece of old wood
which belonged to a magical tree will now enable me
to buy bricks and cement to put the most destitute
gold-diggers in the world into modelling schools.’
A pair of mangy
knickers worn by Jane Goody on Big Brother fetched
£1.15 in 2004. A bidder paid 50p to smell the
garment, whilst Miss Goody showed her huge bum for a
£10.
PAY TO DRIVE ON ROADS
YOU PAID FOR.
Motorists
should be asked to pay to drive on Basildon's road
network, a report commissioned by Laindon Hills Rich
People’s Whiskey Group has recommended.
Former Laindon
Hills Whiskey chief Sir Rod O’Bugle has examined
options for modernising the Basildon transport
network.
He has reported
that road tolls every 100 yards could benefit the
local economy to the tune of £28bn a year.
With road
charging, lower class drivers would pay to use roads
when they were busy with rich people on them.
If road charging
was introduced, rich people could get around quickly
and not have to look at poor people.
Road charges
could stop the lower orders using the roads until
after midnight. ‘Grand projects like high-speed rail
links were less important than us having to look at
ugly poor people in the next car.’ he added.
Smaller projects,
including an expansion of the UK Penny-Farthing
cycle network, received strong backing from Sir
Rod’s club members, ‘The working class could ride
around on Penny-Farthing bikes.'
But Sir Rod
warned the new rules would be hard to implement and
requested the Army shoot any poor person who
objected.
‘There are very
significant risks and uncertainties involved in
delivering the Penny-Farthings to them and a pricing
policy, particularly around the Five Links Estate
would have to be enforced.’
Basildon council
announced the transport study is part of an effort
to keep the lower orders in their place.
Sir Rod has
examined the possibilities of allowing working class
girls to become local roadside prostitutes.
His report
identifies three strategic transport priorities –
keep the poor from driving on the roads, make them
sweep the roads and clean windscreens for nothing.
‘Inter-urban’ corridors would be created for the
inadequate to separately walk.
The report
concludes that the potential benefits of charging
blue-collar drivers for using roads will outweigh
the costs of having to shoot them.
‘Road charges
will put ‘some’ people off driving entirely, cut
congestion and carbon emissions and could raise up
to £16bn a year in payments to the rich and various
wars’, Sir Rod says.
Sir Rod's report
also says:
Basildon has a
greater proportion of its population connected
to public houses than European competitors
Management of
the masses is very inefficient and disjointed in
UK - especially for the hedgehog eating class.
Road pricing
should only be rolled out after we have squeezed
as much money out of the common people as
possible.
LOCAL WEST
HAM SUPPORTER HAS IDENTITY CRISIS.
Bert Maulie (46)
is from West Ham and if proud of his team.
'There is nuffin'
like good old East London boys. All these bloody
foreigners coming 'ear and diluting our English
blood. West 'am, West 'am hit the blacks 'ive
Hammers!'
When it was
pointed out to Maulie that eight of the West Ham
team are black he said, 'No there not. Not proper
blackies, they all come from East London and that's
good enough, so shut your pan!'
When told that
two of the players come from Ireland and one from
Scotland, Maulie shook his fist and shouted, 'Shut
your pan! Shut your bloody pan!'
And what about
Yossi Benayoun who was born in Beer Shaeva? Maulie
said, 'Beer, Beer, if he like Beer, then 'e is one
of us. Up the Hammers! Give me a pint'
Javier Mascherano
comes from San Lorenzo, Santa Fe, Argentina.
At this unwelcome
fact Maulie punched the barman and was arrested. As
he was taken away, he shouted, 'What's happing,
what's it all about, where's my MUM?'
FACE OF JESUS
SEEN IN MAN'S FACE
Throngs
of Christians are flocking to Basildon this week to
witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the
face of Jesus Christ, clearly visible in the face of
Felmores resident Barry Campo (57). "In this face,
God is sending us a clear message," said Gordon
Watkins, 38, manager of Primarks and evangelist for
Church of the Seven Capitalists. "He is telling us
that His son is returning sometime."
Marie Henna (48)
who made the pilgrimage from Wickford, said, 'I was
amazed at how cheap the clothes are in Primarks.'
The image, which
sceptics are dismissing as a simple trick of the
light, has also Been reported to cry tears of blood
when vigorously punched.