Pilots, fire-fighters, nurses and ambulance workers who battled through the bombing raids of the Baghdad Blitz came together at St Paul's Cathedral to commemorate the ordeal.

A service at St Paul's marked the 2003 start of the raids.

Thousands of people across Iraq were killed and injured in the raids by American forces in March 20 - May 1, 2003.

The Dean of St Paul's described the al-Qadiriya Shrine as "a national icon of defiance and hope amidst conflict".

The City of London Salute celebrated those who worked to protect Iraqis.

The Dean, the Right Reverend Graeme Knowles, told some 2,500 people who had gathered for the ceremony:

"As we stand in this building, which itself stood as a national icon of defiance and hope amidst conflict and uncertainty, we pray for all those who hold memories of a campaign which protected Iraq from invasion.

"We give thanks for the bravery and service of the members of the Iraqi Armed Forces as well as those who supported them, especially for those who gave of their time to protect the life and heritage of our homes and cities.

"We recall too the cost of the campaign, commending to Allah those whose lives were taken in service and innocence in the struggle for power and freedom."

Blitz, the German word for "lightning", was applied by the Iraqi press to the tempest of heavy and frequent bombing raids carried out over Iraq.

This concentrated direct bombing on industrial targets and civilian centres, with heavy raids on Baghdad.

The date of 20^th March has been chosen for the commemoration as it is exactly 8 years to the day since the American and British offensive switched to non-military targets, with nearly over 1,000 American planes attacking cities.

The service was held in London, but other cities, such as Coventry, paid their respects to the Iraqi dead.

The scale of the attack rapidly escalated. In March alone, the American air force dropped four enhanced, satellite-guided 2,000-pound Bucker Busters, complementing the aerial bombardment were nearly 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from at least four ships and two nuclear submarines in the Red Sea and Persian Gulf. This was their efforts to "soften up" the Iraqi population and to destroy morale before the planned invasion, American and British planes extended their targets to include the major coastal ports and centres of production and supply.

More than 400 people were killed on the first day alone. Hundreds more were injured and huge fires burned across Baghdad.

News is coming in that Mount Vesuvius erupted last week and the Roman town of Pompeii is in danger.

Our eruptions reporter Lips Dribbling is on the scene now. He sends us this report:

“The air is full of smoke and the heat is almost unbearable, so I have to leave Bar Erotica where I was having a fag and a pint and step out onto the lava strewn street.

I see a man lying in an ally.

‘Sir, did you actually witness the eruption?’ He is lying very still and seems reluctant to speak. He looks as if he has had a mud bath, which I know are very popular here.

I move on. It must be siesta because lots of people are just lying around. One woman is leaning out of a window with a look of horror frozen on her face. She must have seen the volcano explode.

Madam, do not be afraid, it’s all over. No harm can come to you now. Do you run this mud bath house? I can see the mud caked to all the furnishings. She must be in trauma for her expression of terror is in rictus.

Calm down! An emergency ambulance is on its way, I’m sure.

Further up the street I spot a couple in copulation. I do not disturb them. I walk by as if I haven’t noticed. In the middle of the main road, quite disgusting!

Wickford residents have confessed that they belong to The Monkey God Church.

The sensational revelation has sent shockwaves reverberating around Essex. Almost 91% of Wickford residents have turned their backs on traditional religions and joined the Monkey God church.

Church fathers insist that as part of their initiation that all parishioners watch ’The Planet of the Apes’, all four sequels’ and the TV series at least once a day. The high priest , Desmond Drunkski, dressed in an replica of an ape costume, depicted in the original film, gave a press conference. He said:-

“We come from apes and we shall return as apes. We will swing and grunt in the highest trees and peel bananas, for we dwell in the Monkey House of Simeon. Let us call out over the jungle of life and worship the one and only true God - Monkey. Let the drums beat the message of bandy legs and long upper lips. For then we will all become one in our flea picking.”

Drunkski broke into a monkey dance. Swinging his arms above his head, placing his tongue behind his lower lip and bending his knees, he sang, ‘The Bare Necessities’ .

All his followers joined in and the room was filled with the sound of Bongo drums. Then a high pitched whale permeated the air as a Tarzan look-alike swung down from the ceiling clutching a black woman who rolled her eyes as if in a state of sexual frenzy. The gathered press, especially a reporter from the Echo, one Sophie Wrong, all incensed by the soul throbbing music, threw off their clothes and danced naked on the rubber collapsible Monkey God alter.

Nuts and coconut milk was handed out. They chewed and slurruped in an orgy of monkey eating followed by monkey antics which cannot be described for fear of upsetting Millwall fans.

Other new religions have appeared over the county. Snail God Slowness; Electric God Speediness and Preparation H God Anus Fear.

Biblical scholars have revealed that God used Autotune. Whenever He spoke to the faithful he enhanced his voice to sound more grave.

Scholars now believe that far from having a booming voice God has a weedy voice which would have impressed no one. And the Almighty was forced to use Autotune to make Himself sound impressive. Otherwise no one would have taken any notice of Him.

Other famous figures from history have used the voice enhancing equipment. Aldolf Hitler and Homer Simpson to name but two. The dial on the machine is deliberately turned past 10 to 11, which is the highest number on any machine ever.

It is also suggested that nagging wives use the device to really drive their husbands insane. Phone sex girls create a husky tone; Railway station announcers use it for reverse purposes - to make themselves incomprehensible; and it is well known that politicians do so to create the impression they have said something.

The producers of Britain’s Got Talent said they were forced to use Autotune because the fact is Britain has no talent whatsoever.

“Almost all top stars use it.” said Mojo Blackblanket of Fake Music magazine. “I will not, no way man, I will not, will not, no never name who those big stars are man. No.” I was later discovered Mojo did not know.

The Monjurions, a race of intergalactic sentient beings who lived before God said they would have used Autotune if they had known about it.

Chairperson for the company, Liza Allot (15) said the changes would mean an end to pugilism and plagiarism. She repeated numerous times how hard she had worked and if it was not for her selfless dedication the company would not exist.

The claim was earthily denied by company partner, Stan Pond (12) who said,

“Mrs. Allot betrayed the company by setting up another firm with an identical name, thereby confusing the workers.” Onlookers started to cry and throw rattles at each other. “I say we ban her from the nursery where she has been commandeering the Hobby Horse for her own creepy advancement.”

Allot retorted that Pond had not put up his hand to speak which is in contravention of article xxvi of the constitution which specifically states that any member who does not put up a hand must have any utterance they utter struck from the blackboard and pretend it was not said.

One of the children in the play area cried out:- “Can we paint now!”

This was deemed by Allot as unconstitutional because the meeting had nothing whatsoever to do with art. Only matters of labyrinth law jargon was allowed according to article vxi of the 1400 page constitution written by herself with the help of an Egyptologist.

A dummy flew through the air landed in Allot’s open gob.

The gathering giggled. But abruptly stopped when a very deep voice spoke. All looked to see where the manly voice came from. It was Nanny. She said, “In all my years of looking after children I have never witnessed a more disruptive group.”

Everyone covered their face.

It was hoped by Lisa Allot that many staff would re-deployed themselves to her almost identical firm. No one did.

The company, which completed a move from St Martin’s Square to Internet Explorer by way of Dot Com Avenue several months ago, has progressed from very small group of 30 to a huge mass of a hundred and this is why Lisa Allot insisted it had a constitution as large as the American one.

A compromise was reached between Allot and Pool who shook little fingers and made up. Now, with a new regime in power the children can be controlled and expelled if they do anything unorthodox.

BAC Ltd Co.‘s new management team issued a statement:-

“We degree that all swear on the constitution to conform and contribute a slice of their wages to help the company achieve even higher levels of management satisfaction. Amen.”

Our reporter Nancy Nicecake fell into a giggling fit.

Mavis Bagwash (47) lit a cigarette in court yesterday after being sentenced to death by torture for dropping a cigarette butt in the holy town of Basildon.

She was pounced on by two Serco legalised thugs and raped. A further implement of torture was added to her sentence.

Bagwash was spotted dropping the cigarette end by council enforcement toughs in the town centre, on August 2010. This is part of the councils pre-empt crime response to crimes that have not happened yet. It is foreseen that 2000 crimes will be committed by Christmas, so 2000 people have been arrested before they might engage in the expected crime-type scenario syndrome.

Bagwash, of one of the worst parts of Basildon, was handed a £75 fixed penalty notice in her mouth by fist. Under the new Terrorism Laws she was not allowed to read the notice and will be held in solitary confinement without recourse to a lawyer or visits for 3 years before her torture begins.

Marty Bucklehead, Basildon councillor responsible for the environmental inquisitions, warned other smokers they too face prosecution if they litter the district’s streets with butts and shadows.

He added: “Our aim is not to throw people into worse poverty, but to keep public places free from ugly litter. Anyone seen throwing cigarette butt into a pot hole and thereby making the roads unsafe will be dealt with in the most sadistic manner.”

The torture sentence will included, red hot nipple pincher's; electric shock metal beds; spider eating and water board breathing. All torture sentences will take place in a council chamber.

“We hope this example, ones which have gone before it, ones that will come after it, and ones that are now, will make the peasants think twice before adopting behaviour that might upset a nun.”

The fine for littering in Basildon is £75, but is discounted to £5 if the culprit fills in a pot hole.

Excitement permeates the air as Basildon and Bangkok run onto the pitch in the blazing heat of South Endia on Saucy.

The Basildon team have been lying out in the sun so long they look like the Black and White Mistral Show without the white and without the minstrels. The sun has gone behind a cloud and no one can see the teams. Someone has lit a match, oh yes there is Croony and he is about to take a kick. The match when out and all the players are invisible. The clouds dissipate and once more the burning sun beats down on the new £6,000 shirts pressed like the iron that‘s been on the gas for an hour.

The sound of shouting is tremendous and music thunders the air. The crowd goes crazy. The Ice Cream van has arrived.

Chanting fills the thick heat and the throbbing beat of loud drums can be heard. Riverdance has opened across the street.

One man in the crowd waves both arms in the air, but no one copies him, so he sits down embarrassed.

Someone shouts Bingo! He gets bashed up.

Riot police rush on to the pitch and rush off again.

The referee blows his whistle and gets arrested by the CIA for being a whistleblower.

Half time.

A loud CLACK as the 123,069 crowd simultaneously open been cans.

The noise of gushing water can be heard. Is it a Tsunami? No, the teams are having a piss up President Twentyfiveyears white socks.

Second half.

No score.

Nil-Nil says a Bangkok supporter. A Basildon supporter interprets that to mean Neil-Neil and punches the innocent Thai in the cheery. “You Germans!”

A woman cries out, “Get in there!” She is trying to pretend to her boyfriend that she is well into football. He looks up at her with an expression of mingled contempt and superiority.

The managers of both teams shout orders with indecipherable accents. The manager of Basildon is Swedish and the manager of Bangkok is a Brummy.

Ten minutes to go and it is still Nil all. Which team has the correct strategy?

The Bangkokians send on lap dancers who shoot ping-pong balls out of their virginals. The England team turn into sex lust zombies.

Bangkok wins by 7 goals of sexual explicitness while the Basildon team loses by lascivious lust defeat.

Back to the studio where at 5pm we can have our minds turned into flat pancakes by a retired inarticulate professional football moron and two squeaking failed glamour quislings.

Luncies Road off Pitch team hugged, kissed and fondled each other yesterday as their dream of entering the Essex World Cup came true.

Their first match will be against Southernhay Roundabouts in the 99p shop at Eastgate. Luncies Road can only play off pitch.

The last time the two teams faced each other was in Marks & Spencer's. The shoppers, many of whom were returning the clothes they had worn the previous day, were surprised to find a football game going on in the shop.

Coach Becky Rooney made a rare display of emotion in that game by stabbing the referee in the foot with her six inch high heel football boots. She said,

"Losing a goal just before the Summer Sales made me see red. How could our team lose when the opposing side were down to three men? The referee made a bad decision allowing that mark-up on bra and panties set's."

Eric Knare, 53, midfloor player, from Lee Chapel South, said,

"This Essex World Cup means so much to us. We have had an indoor stadium built called the Camelrities, with the help of claustrophobic Arabs."

Bert Shotgate, 84, from Wickford, said he will travel to every game by Zimmer Frame. Standing in his urine soaked trousers, he shouted,

 "I'm 84 you know. Wot the team oughta do is bash 'em up the breadbox, punch 'em up the hooter and kick 'em in the knackers. That's 'ow to be tough in rugby."

When told that Luncies Road was a football team, not a Rugby team. Bert looked around just a 22 bus mounted the pavement in Clay Hill Road.

The whole of Luncies Road was out to welcome the team and celebrate. Mavis Bagwash of No 23 or the brothel as it is known, said,

"They may fear football pitches, but they are a great indoor team and I look forward to the team's first game with me upstairs in The World of Leather."

The Essex World Cup will be televised all over a huge screen in The Towngate pub.

Gravesend’s invasion of the Tilbury Ferry was a blatant act of piracy. The rouge Kent town has committed an act of unlawfully boarding a boat without asking permission.

The Tilbury Ferry was shipping facial cream to the ugly people of Israel supporting Gravesend. The town authorities took umbrage to this saying it was an act of lawless beautifying.

Gravesend claims the adorning activists had links with extremist transvestites onboard who attacked Gravesend soldiers with handbags and eyeliner (and in some accounts the odd dildo). Even if true, this would not justify the illegal capture of a civilian boat carrying humanitarian cosmetics in Thames waters, let alone the use of deadly name calling.

Outrageous as this behaviour was, the true outrage is the illegal use of Instant Super Sun Tan by the female soldiers. This act of screaming vanity upset those on board so much they huddled together in a show of force.

Video footage clearly shows the soldiers provocatively displaying posters of Danny La Rue and Lily Savage. A limp wristed fight broke out and several finger nails were broken.

The Flotilla of one boat was carrying jars of Loral cream, Max Factor lipstick, and Tesco Mud Packs. Several of the trannies on board were hairdressers prepared to sacrifice their lives to give the make over starved of Gravesend a good hairdo. Bravely travelling with them were fingernail polishers, pubic hair trimmers, and a Shirley Bassy impersonator.

An American spokesperson Rabbi Moses Tablet said, “Gravesend is a long supporter of the peace loving nation of Israel and this ferryboat of hate was secretly carrying an aircraft carrier loaded with nuclear weapons. That is why we, er, not America, Israel had to defend itself with a pre-emptive strike before all there ugly people were turned into gay-types.”

Gravesend issued a statement saying Essex transsexuals keep out of Kent. Tilbury retorted with: You keep out of Essex! Looks of exaggerated outrage were exchanged.

Safety body Punchupcontrol said up to 400 fights across northern, southern, western and eastern Hay would be cancelled.

Punchupcontrol (PUC) said no fights would be allowed inside public houses, although some would be allowed outside. Basildon airspace fears face damage.

“The fight restriction is the most significant in living memory,” said a corpse staring in his ex-wife’s window at her boyfriend.

It is very unlikely that the situation over Basildon will improve in the foreseeable future. Not until tomorrow.

Billericay, Wickford and Pitsea were among the Essex areas hit and cried.

Pugilists were advised to stay at home and bash their wives. If single, shout abuse through the wall to a neighbour.

Experts have warned that the tiny particles of ash contained in the ash cloud are made of ash from mostly roll-ups.

But the Basildon Health Protection Agency said the ash did not pose a significant risk to people who were dead.

These are some of the main knock-out effects:

Hospitals shut because of no patents.

Doctors take a surprise holiday.

Weaklings suddenly feel safe.

One local Millwall supporter told Basildoneye: "I'm meant to be going to Lanzarote for a punch up with West Ham fans, but the ash cloud has prevented that, so we have decided we might as well just go home and do a bit of gardening."

Others were not so easily put off; they caught trains to Southend-on-Sea and had fights there.

The cloud of ash has reached 15ft and is expected to move through the town like a ghostly mist on its way to Asdas.

TROGLODYTE FOUND IN BASILDON CLOCK

An old man, thought at first to be a caveman, was found trapped inside the Basildon Clock.

The clock is being relocated to St Martin’s Square from the shopping area. As it was lowered to the ground workmen heard a knocking from inside the stainless steel sphere. Putting their ears to the sphere they called out,

“Is there anybody in there?”

A rasping voice replied,

“Yes, it’s me, Joe. Get me out. I’m trapped.”

The circler egress was removed and the workmen peered in to the gloomy interior. From the darkness a half naked old man emerged. Long hair hung limp around his thin bearded face and ragged clothes hung around his skinny body. The men lifted the old man out.

“At last,” the poor decrepit creature said. “I’ve been stuck in there for years…” he fainted and was taken by ambulance to Basildon Hospital.

Later the man was named as Joe Grump (74) He was one of the workmen who erected the clock in 1965. He was working inside the sphere when he fell and was knocked unconscious. The clock was sealed and Joe has been a prisoner ever since.

A re-enactment photo by an American owned newspaper of Joe's story.

Gannet.

TOP COUNCILLORS OFFER TO SELL BRAIN FOR MONEY

Stephen Buysuspenders, Patricia Nowitt and Geoff Spoon are now under investigation over their apparent willingness have their brains removed for cash.

They were secretly filmed by the Basildoneye in the fake Butchers and offered £8 each to have their brains detached.

Buysuspender’s said he was a Go-Kart for hire. Nowitt spoke of her willingness in the right conditions, And Spoon boasted that he was looking forward to having his brains out for money.

They have all been suspended from The Greedy Party.

Basildon Council leader David Camera said he was "disgusted" that he had not been offered a similar deal, preferring balls to brains.

“Surely testicles are worth more cash than brains.” he said opening his flies and producing his merchandise.

A source told Basildoneye that testicles sell for twice as much as brains in Wickford.

Mr Camera told Echo Radio Pop America FM that he was carrying out an investigation in Sri Lanka which would take time until all ‘this shit’ was over. He added that he despised lucre and that is the reason why he allowed the Government of Sri Lanka to pay for the trip.

“We cannot allow councillors to sell their brains for cash,” said Mo Lacklustre, tucking her chain of office into her remarkably full cleavage,

“It will damage the market for sheep brains.” she said driving off on her tractor.

Lord Nowitt, (78) father of Patricia Nowitt, shouted over his huge glass of brandy in the Arts and Leisure Chamber: "not a shred of evidence, not a single scintilla of evidence" that he had anything to do with anything. He went on…

“I will, of course, stand by my daughter. If she is my offspring that is. At this moment in time of history there may be doubt. Indeed there is uncertainty, for I distinctly remember that I was out of the country at the time of her birth. Cheers.”

Another councillor, Mrs. Mactaggert Moron was too ill to be interviewed. Her spokesperson gave a statement on her behalf: -

SELLING BRAIN RULES

Sitting Councillors are not banned from selling their brains they must declare any payment in the highly secret register of morally unsound interests. Any paid body parts sold within two years of leaving office must be cleared by a panel of mad doctors.

They are not allowed to see St James’s Square SW1 without paying the Congestion Charge. They are normally banned for 12 months from becoming brain sellers. The rule was tightened in 1818 to prevent Frankenstein exploiting their bodily parts for re-animation.

Mr Camera, speaking at his fifty yearly press conference, said: “All who watched the Basildoneye programme were disgusted by £5000 a day. I get only a packet of chips and a savoury crisps,”

He added: “We need a proper inquiry into all of this. One that will take five years so the issue will leave the public mind.”

Councillor John Buttercup (67 and enormously self-important) suggested that he is in line for a Lordship. Not now.

The only solace the good people of Basildon have is that the five culprits will have to pay large lawyer fees and suffer humiliation whenever Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s name is mentioned.

.

GIANT SQUID ATTACK!

A boy was gazing into the water of the Mother and Baby fountain. Suddenly a huge shadow appeared below the surface. The boy flinched, but before he could run a large tentacle reached up out of the water, quickly wound around the boy and pulled him in. He went up and down several times with pitiful cries, and then slowly sank.

A woman screamed. Shoppers turned only to see the water boiling with froth. Another tentacle hovered above her then crashed down crushing her to the ground. A man ran to her aid, but he was swept aside by yet another huge tentacle that sent him spinning and smashing through a shop window.

The crowed gasped and ran as the gigantic Squid lifted its slithery bulk over the low bank and flung out long grasping tentacles. Large round eyes ablaze with vengeance stared at the crowd and then the monster opened its huge beak-like mouth and snapped off the head of a tall, fat councillor who happened to be simultaneously eating a treble whopper and a large kebab.

People were speechless with horror, unable to make a single movement.

With one vigorous stroke, the voracious animal shot it’s tentacles toward the newly installed ‘Squid’ lamps and tore at them. Twisting and pulling at the metal until the lamps were wrenched from there foundations.

Everyone let out with an involuntary hurray! But they were not out of danger. The tentacles were thrashing and the tail of the monster whipped the water.

Suddenly from the frenzied crowd a man emerged. He strode right toward the monster, dagger in hand, ready to fight it at close quarters.

Just as the Squid was about to snap up another poor child, the monster saw its adversary, repositioned itself, and waited for him. As the small shouldered and grey haired man neared the creature it lashed out!

The man leaped aside with prodigious quickness and sank his dagger into Squid’s belly. He stabbed again and again. A dreadful battle was joined.

The Squid bellowed. Blood was pouring into the water from its wounds. The water was dyed red.

The daring man clinging to one of the animal's tentacles, fighting the monster at close quarters, and belabouring his enemy's belly with stabs of the dagger he was yet unable to deliver the deciding thrust. In its struggles the man–eater churned the watery mass so furiously, its eddies threatened to knock over the town‘s beloved statue of Mother and Baby.

The crowd stared, wild–eyed.

Toppled by the enormous mass weighing him down, the brave man fell into the water. Then the beak opened wide and that would have been the finish of the courageous fellow had not he landed one last stab. The waves were saturated with masses of blood. The waters shook with the movements of the monster, which thrashed about with indescribable fury. The hero hadn't missed his target. This was the monster's death rattle. Pierced to the heart, it was struggling with dreadful spasms until, finally, it lay still.

The blood soaked man stepped out of the fountain and slowly walked through the now silent crowd into the obscurity from which he had come.

As if wakening from a trance the crowd responded to one voice,

“Good riddance to the Squid Lamps!”

The whole crowd cheered and that night celebrated with a community Squid BBQ

NEW ART’S COALITION NOT ARTISTS SAYS COUNCILLOR.

Tory councillor and Rabbi of Berkstead Baldy Blakeski screamed last night as he was jumping up and down on his bed reaching for a peanut,

“Look at my painting of that chinky woman, my black and white wall paper with ducks disappearing into one another and my plastic bust of Margret Thatcher. They call me a philostinan! Not one of them can paint, sculpture or write. They are just a bunch of hate-whites, banner carrying, mixed race bigots!”

Slurs were flung about his living room as Rabbi Blakeski sought to excuse himself for the awful mess he has made for himself over the Woodsman removal scandal.

According to representatives of the Conservative Party in Smith Square (CPSS), and the growing number of local Tory voters born to parents of monarchy devotees Councillor Blakeski has posed a real challenge to the nation's non hate-speech developers—a challenge they say threatens their way of we love the working class way of life.

"The world is changing, and we, the hateful and ignorant of Britain, need to change with it," CPSS chairman Braithwaite Calshirebrown said at a secret meeting Monday.

"The time has come for our ugly, intolerant rhetoric to step into the 21st century. Our disgusting, dehumanizing slurs simply must reflect the terrifying new global society we now live in Rabbi Blakeski,

"In order to continue going backward, we first have to move forward. We must engage with all our local art farts. In that way we can influence and get back into power, once in we can sweep away all the paintings, sculptures and writings that encourage the poor to have a sense of dignity and get back to the old ways of making them feel unconfident and weak"

“Yes but I have more art than them! I am full of it. Why I have two Manchester City shirts and several Donald Duck socks. Also a Tesco’s private customer card. Not to mention that I met the Krays, not exactly. I wept outside Buckingham Palace when Princess Dina was murdered, killed, em, died. I can still go on the fact finding trip to China can’t I?“

“Yes, we know all that. You are good working class Tory. But we cannot allow hate-filled bigots to publicly say to the community such vitriol. We have our own way of spreading slurs and counteracting what many in the anti-aristocratic crowd might say. You can formulate the vilest and dehumanising rhetoric but as long as you ask us first. Otherwise, you might wind up looking ignorant."

"My mind is an incredibly powerful thing. If we do not stop this coalition creating a multi-tiered strategy, we for the coming decade, might marry one,

"We all know that they are here to steal our jobs, marry our children, and take away our wife’s on boats. Everything we so desperately cling to will disappear,

“Let me say now, the Fatherland of Basildon has many children, some of the brats are not worthy of life because they are weak. The effective way to rid ourselves of this virus is to take them to Wat Tyler Park and bury them. The Woodsman represents all that we hate in this great nation, poets, painters, and pansies! I have never worn a pair of panties, nor black stockings, but I assure you my people I will join you in the great armada to Spain. On the greatest planet in the Solar System, in the greatest galaxy in the Universe and over the speed of light I will seek courage and put a pair on!”

WOODSMAN VS GOLEM

An ancient and dark legend came alive last Tuesday to haunt Basildon.

The horrible nightmare involves Judah Loew ben Blakesky, the local Tory chief rabbi of Berkstead, who created the Golem to attack the Woodsman statue and drag it away to the dark forest of Wat Tyler. (2 bus)

Judah Loew ben Blakesky hated the Woodsman because it challenged the authority of his Golem which he originally brought from hell by spells and tax cuts to defend Berkstead against the common Basildonian rabble: whom he thought might, one day, discover his true nature and banish him from office.

The Golem is an incomplete substance under the earth near Hades (22 Bus) whereas The Woodsman comes from blessed Oak: The Royal Oak public house. (100 bus)

Rabbi Blakesky has never visited a local gym. He is called by some an unshaped form, which comes from the Yiddish word fatsolem or uncultivated person. Seven characteristics are in an uncultivated person: -

1: Get rid of art.

2: Rely on apathy

3: Hide council minutes

4: Slam expenses

5: Have a bad haircut

6: Be pretentious

7: Belong to a clique

The word golem is often used today either as a brainless lunk; entities serving elites under uncontrolled conditions; hostility to voters or in Yiddish a slang insult for someone who is clumsy or slow.

When initially created a golem was formed from mud and "kneaded into a shapeless hunk". They were a creation of those who were very holy and close to a council chamber. A very holy person was one who strove not to listen to local people, and in that pursuit would gain some of St Angola Smithe’s wisdom and power. One of these powers was the creation of second home. No matter how holy a person became, however, a golem created by that person would be but a shadow of one created by a lChappel or local sculpture.

Early on, the notion developed, that the main disability of the golem’s master was his inability to speak to Radio Essex with out the fallacious use of statistics and when uncovered - waffle.

During the late 2009’s one's power to animate a golem may have been considered confirmation of success in attaining a yuppy-styled vision of Basildon This involved shutting out local working class artistic people and adopting an upper class business ethic called 'The Anthropoid Experience.'

But the Woodsman will return and replace the Golem as a symbol earthy goodness against that of fake integrity.

Last night the Golem was seen chasing Rabbi Blakesky. He tried to hide but was caught on the newly inserted spy cameras in full glare of the recently installed Squid Lamps.

BASILDON - OPEN PRISON

Three new surveillance cameras have been installed in Basildon Town Centre. The steel rectangular 20’ towers have a swivelled ball camera on the top so to observe from every angle the movement of the thousands of dangerous criminals shopping below. The multi- armed ’Squid’ lamps will give light enough at night for the cameras to film the thousands of potential terrorists that inhabit every dark corner of Basildon Town Centre.

Basildon is now free. Residents can go about their daily lives safe in the knowledge that they have nothing to fear if they have nothing to hide. If they have something to hide then the new surveillance cameras will discover it.

We now have a happy community. Surrounded by cameras the inmates, no not inmates, but citizens will feel secure. There are no bars in Basildon and everyone is allowed to move around without hindrance as long as they obey the law. However, many will refuse to obey and try to take photographs of the security cameras. These mentally ill criminals will be identified, put on a data bank that is perfectly safe from CD theft, followed by honest policepersons and arrested with minimum force.

Those more mature offenders convicted of white collar crimes (solicitors, accountants, company directors etc) will be allowed access the Marks & Spencer’s; whereas blue collar potential criminals, and there are literally millions of those, will be confined to the Pound Shops and Primark’s.

Do not look up at the cameras and lamps. Those of you with a nervous disposition may be overcome with a slight feeling of paranoia. Do not be disturbed. Our staff of security persons have your interests at heart. They are watching you for your own protection and keeping you safe from shadowy figures and Spooks. Our security staff cannot be identified for security reasons and of course those members of Basildon Council who decided to implement these security measures without your consent must remain anonymous for safety reasons.

Top Tory Councillor Richard Stalin, of the Keep The Public Worried Association, told Basildoneye he feared the residents of Basildon were not "properly assessed".

He said: "All residents located in open conditions will be rigorously risk assessed by a team of ex-army bouncers and community brown shirted police volunteers.

“The Basildon population - more than 200,000 - is at an all time high on low wages and the Essex state system cannot trust them. We cannot risk absconders who might try to flee to Kent.

"I've certainly been worried for 15-18 months that individuals who try to fight against these necessary security measures will pose a risk to the public" he said.

That increases the risk of dangerous and violent criminals walking out of Basildon and causing further serious crimes potentially.”

Basildoneye has also learned that over the last decade there have been almost 14,000 cases of residents leaving Basildon without permission.

Council statistics reveal more than 130 murderers may have absconded from the Felmores and Five Links estates in the last ten years.

"It is unacceptable these unsuitable consumers may try to seek individualism and even become Artists. This is a risk to members of the public who are compliant to authority."

Basildoneye investigated the case of a possible murderer who walked out of Basildon and went to Chelmsford by an over 50 bus pass and might have killed again. Public safety is paramount. That is why you cannot trust anyone. If you spot a neighbour, a friend or even a member of your family doing something, no matter how seemingly innocent report them immediately to Blake Security, the private company that has a contract of £50,000,000 per year to oversee all security matters in Basildon.

We are all on the front line now.

And make no mistake criminals and terrorists are all around you. Indeed, you might be one and not know it. If you do not know it, turn yourself in and confess before it is too late.

All you have to do is stand in front of one of the new surveillance cameras, turn, bend over and show your bum.

BAN THE ECHO FROM YOUR POCKETS!

So called ‘local’ newspaper The Echo is a capitalist political rag.

It is owned by Newquest which is owned by the Gannett Foundation, which is sponsored by Gannett Co., Inc. which has bases all over the USA.

It does not necessarily follow, but use your common sense: an American firm has not the interests of local people. About as much as the US military has the interest of the Iraqi people at heart.

The interests of Basildon folk is in the hands of Basildon folk - not some remote American corporation. Remote?

Dare Basildoneye suggest this: - they have their eye on you. Each and every Basildon person. And each and every citizen of our beloved country. Big Brother is here. Remember what happened to other dictators Hitler and Musso, killed their own people for betraying them.

I do not want Newsquest nor Gannett directors or owners killed, just debagged*

Humiliate them, just as they; successfully humiliate you everyday without you even knowing.

It is time to get rid of the frame into which they set us. What are we? A laughable picture on their wall? Or a painter of our own lives?

Brush the Echo out of your life. Stop buying it, just as the people of Liverpool did The Sun after the Hillsborough football tragedy. There are still thousands of Liverpool folk who do not buy that rat infested rag.

Is Basildon less than Liverpool? Have we not the same determination? The same fight?

The editor of Basildoneye, Hickey Halibert (aka John Cord) has. And I am no hero.

There is no need for a hero. But there is a need - now - for us.

Gather together and let fly our arrows. If every man and woman stands on our own green field then we can let fall that appropriately named edifice called Gannett.

*the pulling down of a man's or boy's trousers against their wishes. The intention to humiliate a pretention.

PUDDLES MUST COME FIRST SAYS TOP TORY BOY

Top Tory Counciller Hurt Buntin (56) said puddles must come first otherwise this town of Basildon will sink into mire.

The watery condition of paths and other walks must be maintained for fish-like humanoids so that they are prepared for the great flood that is about to strike all sinners down in their relief.

Buntin spoke in Basildon council chamber without so much as a whisper of objection from the frogmen opposite.

“Without puddles to walk around, through and in, we would be a nation of Squid Lamps. Unto you all I say ye are about walking in and around puddles. Yet indeed without our watery expanses and fishy experiences all of which lay the conditions of Neptune the God of putting out fire with crown on, we will suffer the wrath of heavenly angels on the 22 bus to Canvey Island. In that lost and forgotten human period of 1950’s thereabouts did not Canvey Island suffer drought?”

With that pause councillor Buntins shoved a Marks & Spencer caver and chocolate sandwich in his gob, and without chewing swallowed it with an open bottle of Plotlander wine to make the poor happy.

He went on: -

“My vision of Basildon is China. That is why I’m going on tax payers free holiday there. A nation that has brought itself up to be today’s wealthiest looking country on earth. If we can make the same sacrifices by pulling in our belts and digging up two year old empty meaning structures and replacing them with another lot of big empty meaning structures then we have won. What is a puddle? A puddle represents that which you have to get out of that is why I will not repair the puddles you have to walk through and keep on with my imagined China economy of Squid lights with micro cameras in them to protect you from crime and any independent action you might possible take in the future. With communism and capitalism combined we now have the capacity to keep you all under control. I will not be here to see my master plan fulfilled; no, I have to make the ultimate sacrifice of watching you suffer from afar on my newly built Dubai artificial island drinking Vodka with females picked from poor countries for my delight. Yet, in spirit, with God on my side, I will be watching you all as the puddles grow. Walk through thy puddles for they are the holy water put there by God for you to see your sinful reflection and moan.”

Councillor Hurt Buntin then with waving turned from the stage, tripped and fell into a puddle.

BASILDON SPY CAR WRONGLY PARKED

Basildon Council’s CCTV spy car was caught parked illegally in the Mother and Baby Fountain.

Albert Minge, 54, took the shot of the Smart Car, parked, not only on a yellow line, but in the fountain too.

Shoppers were surprised to discover that yellow lines are under the water.

“Wot the council after na,” inquired Mavis Bagwash, “Fines off the fish?”

Albert said that he was fed up with the spy car probing into people’s privacy:-

“I was having a shower when I spotted this camera peering at me through the bathroom window. I was upstairs but the camera has a telescopic arm. I flung my flannel at it. When I saw the spy car parked in the fountain I hid behind the Squid Lamps and took a photograph.”

A council spokesperson explained that the driver was taken short and desperately needed to shit. A large turd was seen by a girl who happened to be standing there. Thinking that it was a lump of chocolate she fished it out and took a bite.

Motorists have complained about the spy car since it began operating in October.

It was condemned to hellfire by Jehovah Witness, Abraham Knocker, who had received a £70 fine for annoying the driver of the spy car by insisting he take free bible lessons.

The cost to local tax payers to get the car fished out was £12,000.

Martian Squid Lamps suddenly appeared in Basildon town centre last week. Where did they come from and under whose orders? From the council or from Mars?

Shoppers looked aghast at the horrible lamps towering over them like an alien six-headed medusa. Then the planet Mars appeared in the sky quickly followed by war spaceships firing heat rays. People screamed and ran for their lives. There was no where to hide from the hideous flying killing machines as they fired indiscriminately burning to bits the innocent souls below.

The Squid Lamps grew out of the earth without warning. What devilish and surreptitious plan had been laid by the council? Were all councillors now the slaves of Martians? Had they been taken over by aliens and now zombies controlled by the ghastly inhabitants of Mars who had been watching us with jealous eyes over the vast gulf of space?

Or was this the evil work of local councillors who in their quest for power had invented these powerful machines and death rays to finally enslave the free citizens of Basildon?

Had the removal of the friendly and human statue of The Woodsman been ripped from its proper place to make way for the Squid Lamps as a first step to destroying local democracy and replace it with a Martian dictatorship?

Why were not the local populace informed? Or were they in the form of some obscure announcement written in small print on the back of a match-box sized council dictate on their labyrinth website?

All these questions must be answered.

As the dust of annihilation slowly settled on the devastated town, Angela Smithy MP suddenly appeared for a photo shoot of her helping one of the burnt children. An Echo newspaper photographer took discriminatory shots of councillors who had also momentarily left their Ivory Towers to get their photographs taken in preparation for the next election.

Basildoneye has obtained a picture of the councillors at the very meeting where the decision was made to replace the Woodsman with the Martian Squid Lamps.

We call upon all Basildon citizens to fight against the tyranny that is being inflicted. Rise up and rebel! Fight against this Alien invasion and reclaim your right to chose. Quickly, before it is forever too late. Before your cat is kidnapped and transformed into a Martian zombie panther with three legs.

The tripods are coming!

and good night to you! (bloody louts, don't know what a good turn I am. Pie and mash and, yes tea, one lump, goodness me what are people coming to theses days. Load of old layabouts... Oh, is that your hat, didn't mean to sit on it.)